The news was good.. as good as can be expected

Well I still have a uterus... it's still there and it's still working. YAY!! The scar is 'ok'. It has a 4mm thickness at the thinnest point and we were told 'you are high risk but it's worth a try'. Worth a try? I want the best outcome possible not just a try! I want to know there will be a healthy baby and they won't take the chances like last time, that they will listen to what my body is saying! I just wish there was some sort of guarantee but I guess there is never one in anything in life.

It's just a shame that there is 'no data' on this for comparison, even though we blew 'data' out of the water with Sophie. No one knows how safe it will be and how far we can go. It's basically playing it by ear until around week 26 and if all is ok deliver at week 28. That scares me.. everything scares me right now. If If If IFFFFFFFF... I am so sick of If's.

Just going down this track makes me feel guilty. We only just lost her and we miss her terribly. We are not trying to replace Sophie, we never could. She was amazing and touched our hearts so deeply. We learnt so much from her little life and we would give anything to have her back, but I know that's not possible. Hope is now what we are moving towards.. hope that maybe there will be a Sophie Jr in the future.

At least we have a while to think it all over. Thinking is all I seem to do at the moment.

Sonohysterogram

It's amazing all the technical terms we learn once we start dealing with girly bits. Tomorrow I have the test we have been waiting for, a Sonohysterogram. Basically an internal ultrasound using saline, which is better at detecting abnormalities on the inside walls of the uterus. Well WE KNOW there are abnormalities, my uterus 'exploded like a balloon' (using medical terms here) so what tomorrows test will show is the thickness of the scar tissue, which in turn will tell us 'if' we will be able to carry in the future. Scary... I have never wanted a scar to be as big and as thick as I do this one!

Of course this future is still a LONG way off, another 12 months until we could even start trying. Another 12 months of torture wishing Sophie was with us. Adrian still has to agree to my life being put at risk again. I still have 12 months to convince him it will be ok.

In any case the thought of a 'yes' or 'no' is playing on my mind heavily tonight.

The grapevine doesn't always work...

My gorgeous husband came home last night and looked like he had faced Sophie's death all over again...in a lot of ways he had. All I could do was listen and hug him and try and give him some of the strength I had.

He had gone to a business dinner with a group of people (around 180) we had travelled to Egypt with last year when we were 5 months with Sophie. Of course everyone knew we were expecting and were all excited. I had women telling me birthing stories the whole trip and many of them predicting what we would have etc.

For those who attended last night many of them knew and offered condolences, but to his surprise a lot of them didn't know! He had a dozen people come up to him at all stages of the night asking the excited "what did you have" question.. "How's Kylie and the new baby". I guess the fact that I was not there also meant they assumed I was home with the bub... how I wish with everything that was true!

What we learnt was not to expect that the grapevine always talks. These people all own their own businesses in the same field but obviously don't talk beyond business. We thought for sure they would have all found out but it was like a few key players knew and didn't let people know. How much easier would it have been if an email was sent to all. It would have saved Adrian the heartache of telling the story and the people who didn't know the embarrassment and shock.

He was also faced with that dreaded statement "oh you are both young, you can try again". Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I hate that. How rude to pass off a beautiful child you carried and loved for something that might not even be a reality!! Imagine their surprise when he then has to tell them, "Actually Kylie almost died and we probably won't be able to have children again". People are just plain stupid sometimes.

So tonight we are having dinner with the same group of people and I can only imagine what will happen. I am really hoping the grapevine will work today, they talk at the conference and people won't be so shocked. Adrian has told me I don't have to go as it's an unknown and he doesn't think it will be easy, but I need to be there for him. Last night was a bus crash for him and it broke my heart to see his sadness. We need to have combined strength to deal with this.

It's amazing not only do you have to deal with losing your child, you have to see other babies around you to undeserving people, you have to face the possibility of never being a parent here on earth and you have to face stupid people who have NO IDEA and will never face such tragedy.

While time goes on and our lives move forward we both know losing Sophie will never get easier.

Scrapbooking night with other mothers...

I have never really been into the group things, knitting, painting etc unless it was at the pub with a glass of bubbles! Tonight I embark on a new thing for me. I am meeting a number of women mostly, who all belong to "Bears of Hope" which is a support group here in NSW. Tonight we will be doing things for our angels which will be heartwarming.

I must say I am a little apprehensive about meeting so many people all at such different stages of grief but also that everyone in that room will 'get it'. That is something I have not had but on these pages.

I am sure the night will be fun, but it's still a 'room full of elephants' instead of 'the elephant in the room' if that makes sense. Having talked to many mothers on here from around the world it will be strange to be sitting in the same room with 'others'.

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Update - The night was actually good. There was virtually no scrapbooking done although I did buy some things to start something. It was just good to talk to others either about our babies or general chit chat. It's nice to have a conversation face to face with people who understands. Was nice to put faces to the emails and stories.

It also made me realise how strong I was and that I am going down the right road to recovery both psychically and emotionally.