Whoever said time heals didn't lose a child...

It has been so long since I posted last and I don’t feel like I can do Sophie justice at the moment. Life moves so fast…so much goes on, and I know I am not able to give her the attention she deserves or that attention I need to give her. I think about her all day every day, I just have not felt like writing about it for a long time now. Writing used to help me, make me stronger, pass the time and in some small way make her real and keep her closer, but there is something missing inside me. It’s been 2 years 3 months and 3 days and I still feel dead inside and I have realised there is just no way around it.

Time has not healed any wounds.. that is all bullshit. I have learnt to put the pain in a box when people are around and bring it out when I am alone. It still hurts like hell that we don’t have our beautiful daughter here because of a medical fuck up. It hurts like hell we will never hear her laugh or see her smile or even see the colour of her eyes… god I want that… I want so much more than we were even given and that just sucks and I really don’t know how or if that will ever be fixed. There is no good in any of this. She is not here and I am so sad, so lost and so not able to hug her. We are not the people we were.. I am certainly not the person I was when I was pregnant. I just hope that my husband still remembers the carefree wife he married because most days she is non existent.

When I wake up in the morning I see her photos, her hand and feet casts, her birth certificate on a special wall right all beside our bed. I still wish with everything in those first few seconds as I focus on the room that I have I could hear her cry and wake me up in my sleep 10 time... but I sleep through and nothing changes.

We go to the beach with our 4 legged children often and while I watch them play in the sand every time I imagine Sophie playing right there with them, giggling while the water catches her and shrieking at the puppies playing in the sand. When I go out shopping there are always a million 2 year olds running around and oodles of newborns I long for. I see Sophie at both ages now and I am not sure that helps at all. I see clothes I would have bought her and toys I know she would have liked but I can’t buy any of them. I imagine how her bedroom would have looked, the nursery we never had the chance to set up, the cot we had to hide, the cradle which now sits in our bedroom with sadness but a hint of hope. Why us? I don’t pretend to be Miss Innocent but my husband deserves the best of everything and I can’t give him any of it. I hate that I cannot carry anymore… I hate it and I hate myself because of it more than anyone could ever imagine. But I will take a breath…

Tuesday was the day we have been waiting for for what seems like an eternity. Tuesday as I wrote this this there was a committee meeting to decide if we are ‘allowed’ to use our embryo’s with our wonderful Surrogate. We hope to give Sophie a sibling to guide, to love and flicker her angel wings around when we least expect it. I am so nervous… nervous about the outcome and the fact that we won’t find out for another week if we were approved and this whole experience is probably why I have been focusing less on writing and treasuring my little Sophie Cleo. While I am still not talking to the man upstairs for obvious reasons I will be saying a prayer this week… please get us through.. not for me for my beautiful Adrian...he deserves a break.

Happy 2nd Birthday Hope!

I am imagining our two chasing bubbles around the garden today Sally.

Thinking of you today. xo

What constitutes a friend? I am running a poll...

In the world we live in today with email, blogs and Skype what is a friend? Years ago you had to know and see someone to consider them a friend because that was all we knew. But with technology how can you limit a friendship to psychical interaction. It is small mindedness at it's best.

I know people around the corner I have known for years less than I do some people I have met online...It opens up a world of possibility that generations ago never existed.. finding common interestes or understanding...that is friendship. It should never be about the lenght of time or the location.

Should relationships be discriminated against because much of it is online?

What do you think? Feel free to post this question as I would like as broard a view on this as possible. I will post in a few days as to why I ask this question...

PS - I even met Adrian online and 9 months later we were married. Thankyou RSVP :)

Statistics

After all that we went through we don't believe in statistics. I was 1:150,000 with my rupture... I had a 50:50 chance of survival... but I have since met a handful of other women in Sydney who experienced the same thing as me.

The statistic we keep hearing about babies in Australia is 6 a day don't survive. 6 a day... we are not a third world country.. we have the best of the best here so why is this happening? Why are babies still dying before they even get a chance.

6 a day...

In our great grandparents time it was a common occurrence for babies to be born sleeping or die in the first year of life.. but these days??

6 a day...

Adrian was listening to drive radio last week about home births and mothers rights. This topic gets me going especially the VBAC crazies out there (that's a story for another time). Callers including a few Dr's were talking about how rare it was for complications these days and how safe a home birth is. He felt compelled to tell our story and was given over 5 mins on air without interruption.

He talked of holding his warm limp daughter and being told his wife may not survive. (If was across the road from the hospital and not in it I would have died.) He also spoke of the 6 a day statistic and our OB's comment about it 'it is a statistic we don't want getting out there'. The announcer who almost lost a child 7 years before finished the call with 'well there is to say about that'.

6 a day...

I don't believe it is right that the Dr's want to hide it to 'protect women'. Of course I don't mean scare ever pregnant woman on the planet, but I would rather have known these were possibilites and not thought from week 12 it was all plain sailing. If I had known I would have asked more questions and yelled so I was listened to and Sophie would BE HERE WITH US... but we trusted and we lost, and Adrian was almost a Widow.

I just don't see the harm in talking about it, I want people to talk about it. I want families to have the knowledge to change that. Imagine if it was 2 a day and not 6!

We all talk about Breast Cancer openly but did you know 'statistically' each year almost the same number of Women lose the battle with Breast Cancer as babies are born sleeping.

I hope we can change that someday soon.