I am unlike many of the women on here. I cannot try and get pregnant to help with the pain and make my husband smile again. If I did I could die. What a really shitty card to be dealt.. Everyday I take that little pill in the knowledge that if I don't... well I don't want to think about that right now. All I know is it sucks.
I have done a lot of research on 'my condition' and it is rare that's for sure. Most Dr's have read about it in a journal somewhere but never had a patient with it. My Dr is the lucky one hey! Basically the major blood flow to the uterus is right where mine exploded and though it is sewn up it's really not recommended to try again. There is a Dr who can apparently open me up again and 'restitch the stitch' but I am not sure I am ready for that kind of pain again. Even after this there is no guarantee it will work again. Pain for nothing.. I can do pain for some possibility but for nothing...come on.
So what else can happen? Well the baby might choose to attach onto the scar, not get enough food and not survive. The scar could rupture from the baby's growth, both of us could die but if they got the baby out in time the chance of them having severe brain damage from lack of oxygen is fairly high. Having another rupture and bleeding to death is not how I want to die and I don't want to lose another baby. It's just not fair. All we want is a baby.. why does it have to be so bloody hard.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Reality is over rated
I have not been in the mood for writing my thoughts lately. Life is a little blue in general. We had a fabulous holiday in NZ and when everyone asks how it was I can't help but respond 'It was ok'. It was the holiday we were never meant to have. We should have been home having sleepless nights and loving every minute of it! It just all feels wrong. I hate this 'creating new memories' thing and it is getting me down. How do you start a new path when the one you had was perfect?
This grief we have to endure is so cruel and unfair and I am really struggling with it.
This grief we have to endure is so cruel and unfair and I am really struggling with it.
Friday, March 6, 2009
Stepping out
I have finally begun immersing myself into the real world again. I went away to see my best friend in Darwin for 10 days. She flew down to be with us when we lost Sophie although I tried to stop her of course she arrived. I struggled at the supermarkets, the school and the day care we went to. Happy happy people all going about their wonderful lives. We celebrated her birthday and all I wanted to do was go home and hide in bed. But I didnt let her know that. My best friend has no idea of the difficulties I have had with facing everyday life. She tries to understand but I don't think anyone can unless they have faced this loss. This is not my mother or father or grandparent... this is my own flesh and blood. Everything we do now is after Sophie and my life will never be the same again. I will be happy, I will laugh but I am changed forever.
Spending time with her kids, my Godchildren was nice but I found myself constantly wondering what Sophie would be like at this age and that age. How proud would I feel picking her up from school. How lovely it would be to show her off to anyone who would listen. How wonderful it would be to hear her first giggle. It was good but it was hard.
Yes I faced the reality of kids and babies and life... but it was not my life. As always I was still looking in from the outside. I could help run the kids around, change nappies and shovel food down their throats but I could walk away. But I didn't want to walk away... my world should be full of nappies and feeding and sleepless nights, yet I only got 10 nights of it with someone elses children and not my little girl. I WANTED THE SLEEPLESS NIGHTS... it was my right to have them.
Being away from Adrian was difficult. I have found myself clinging to him in a lot of ways I would never have had we not lost Sophie. He is my absolute rock and I counted the days until he joined me. Through our grief we have become closer in a lot of ways, we have become softer towards each other and certainly appreciate the love we have more. Strange what loss does.
On Wednesday we took 2 of the kids out for the day. It was an imaginary world of 'mummy and daddy' for us. Two babies 3 and 15 months were dependent on us for everything and all we were both thinking 'it should be Sophie'. We laughed at their antics and tried to show them we knew what we were doing when they screamed but for the most we had fun. It's just not the same as you're own. I so hope one day we will get that chance.
Tomorrow we are off to NZ for 2 weeks. This is our first 'get away' without our baby girl. The last one was full of hope and a future with her. This one we create memories we should never have had. This is our 'we need to get away holiday'... the thought of that makes me angry but it is so true. I hate creating new memories without our little princess.
Spending time with her kids, my Godchildren was nice but I found myself constantly wondering what Sophie would be like at this age and that age. How proud would I feel picking her up from school. How lovely it would be to show her off to anyone who would listen. How wonderful it would be to hear her first giggle. It was good but it was hard.
Yes I faced the reality of kids and babies and life... but it was not my life. As always I was still looking in from the outside. I could help run the kids around, change nappies and shovel food down their throats but I could walk away. But I didn't want to walk away... my world should be full of nappies and feeding and sleepless nights, yet I only got 10 nights of it with someone elses children and not my little girl. I WANTED THE SLEEPLESS NIGHTS... it was my right to have them.
Being away from Adrian was difficult. I have found myself clinging to him in a lot of ways I would never have had we not lost Sophie. He is my absolute rock and I counted the days until he joined me. Through our grief we have become closer in a lot of ways, we have become softer towards each other and certainly appreciate the love we have more. Strange what loss does.
On Wednesday we took 2 of the kids out for the day. It was an imaginary world of 'mummy and daddy' for us. Two babies 3 and 15 months were dependent on us for everything and all we were both thinking 'it should be Sophie'. We laughed at their antics and tried to show them we knew what we were doing when they screamed but for the most we had fun. It's just not the same as you're own. I so hope one day we will get that chance.
Tomorrow we are off to NZ for 2 weeks. This is our first 'get away' without our baby girl. The last one was full of hope and a future with her. This one we create memories we should never have had. This is our 'we need to get away holiday'... the thought of that makes me angry but it is so true. I hate creating new memories without our little princess.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Day 75 of the crash
Some hours of the day I feel like I am getting back to some kind of normality but it never lasts. I have not made it to a day full day yet without the clouds engulfing me at some stage. I am angry and so upset at WHY?!
Last night I was doing some embroidery for my God Daughter who I get to see next week and I got so upset. It's not that I don't want to see her I do, I miss not having her and her brothers around. I just wish with every breath that I was taking Sophie to see her. I SHOULD be taking Sophie to meet her lifelong friends. I wish the 3 kids would look over her with amazement and Abbey would finally have another girl to play with. I thought going to sleep would help my mood but it was still there when I woke up. Today is yet another crying day for the should have beens.
It is 75 days since our world came crashing down and it feels like forever. Life all around us is moving like it always has and I am beginning to become envious of it. I am envious of people in the street not hurting like me. These people laugh, they have children and are oblivious to how horrible life can be. I have noticed though people around us are beginning to not even ask how we are now. How easily they all move about with such unawareness. In their minds it was last year but it is only 75 DAYS!! Life is just so empty now.
Sometimes I wish I could go back to the naive happy person I once was. But then I realise I would never have known Sophie and that would be horrible cause she was amazing. She was so special to us and had such personality I can't imagine never knowing her. The months we spent knowing her was worth more than most things in this world. We travelled, we laughed, we sang, we danced and she loved it all... she showed us in so many ways.
A few busy weeks coming up to keep me occupied but it's almost like I don't want to face them. Everything I do now I do with the knowledge that I am creating memories without Sophie and that is excruciating and so unfair. We will have our first holiday without her, without her, without her... those words still don't seem real. The last time we were on a plane we laughed at how different it was going to be next time with her. I would not care if she screamed the whole way!
I miss you so much Sophie Bear.
Last night I was doing some embroidery for my God Daughter who I get to see next week and I got so upset. It's not that I don't want to see her I do, I miss not having her and her brothers around. I just wish with every breath that I was taking Sophie to see her. I SHOULD be taking Sophie to meet her lifelong friends. I wish the 3 kids would look over her with amazement and Abbey would finally have another girl to play with. I thought going to sleep would help my mood but it was still there when I woke up. Today is yet another crying day for the should have beens.
It is 75 days since our world came crashing down and it feels like forever. Life all around us is moving like it always has and I am beginning to become envious of it. I am envious of people in the street not hurting like me. These people laugh, they have children and are oblivious to how horrible life can be. I have noticed though people around us are beginning to not even ask how we are now. How easily they all move about with such unawareness. In their minds it was last year but it is only 75 DAYS!! Life is just so empty now.
Sometimes I wish I could go back to the naive happy person I once was. But then I realise I would never have known Sophie and that would be horrible cause she was amazing. She was so special to us and had such personality I can't imagine never knowing her. The months we spent knowing her was worth more than most things in this world. We travelled, we laughed, we sang, we danced and she loved it all... she showed us in so many ways.
A few busy weeks coming up to keep me occupied but it's almost like I don't want to face them. Everything I do now I do with the knowledge that I am creating memories without Sophie and that is excruciating and so unfair. We will have our first holiday without her, without her, without her... those words still don't seem real. The last time we were on a plane we laughed at how different it was going to be next time with her. I would not care if she screamed the whole way!
I miss you so much Sophie Bear.
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