Mothers day

Was harder this year than last.

We went to the movies in the morning, Adrian won some tickets to a premier screening of 'Letters to Juliete". After getting warm and fuzzies in the movie we walked out into what can only be described as 'Family Heaven' (but our hell). I don't think I have seen so many families and children of all ages in one place ever. Note to self.. NEVER go to FOX STUDIOS on MOTHERS DAY!

We really should have gotten out of the city like last year and not mixed with the crowds. It's days like that I can really see we are not anywhere near being 'ok'.

I miss you so much baby girl. I ache for you more than you could ever know but I am trying to get by.

Thank you for making me a proud mummy. xo

The highs and lows

I am feeling highly strung today. I had to deliver some documents to a client a few blocks away and I was keen for the walk so I was happy for the distraction. The sun was beautiful, even among the tall city buildings you could feel the warmth. I must say the weather at the moment in Sydney is just beautiful. So I was in a good mood, letting the sun touch my skin and enjoying the rays when it hit me. My mood went from enjoyment to complete anger. By the time I got back to the office I had passed what seemed to be a thousand pregnant women all basking in their own glory. I remember that glow, that excitement, that innocence and I can’t help but feel completely jealous of them all.

Why did we have to lose out on that? Why does my gorgeous hard working, intelligent, wonderful husband have to get teary at what he doesn’t have? Never again will we look at children or babies without thinking about Sophie and all that we missed out on. It just sucks beyond words.

I wonder if I will ever stop being angry. Right now and after 16 months without Sophie I am not convinced.

Life is testing

Today we found out that Adrian's bets friend has stage 4 Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma. The news is not good and you know how he found out... he bowled a ball on a cricket pitch 3 weeks ago and broke his hip! Healthy, happy father of a 2 year boy (a God son to Adrian) may not live to see his sons 3rd birthday.

I am not talking to the man above as it is but come on... what is it with nice people being hurt ALL THE TIME! I try so hard to be positive, to overcome all life throws at us but none of this makes sense. Babies don't make it.. nice people get sick. Lets not even get into the fact that there is so much low life scum out there who don't deserve any of what they get in life but seem to thrive.

What do we need to do to get some sort of harmony is this life?

Our 3rd Anniversary

I love my husband so much. The more time that goes on I realise just how special he is. In this world of lost babies there seems to be a lot of men who just shut down and refuse to acknowledge or talk about their baby. Adrian has never been like that. I can't imagine being in a relationship with a partner who never spoke of their child, never remembered what joy they brought and never grieved openly about their loss.

Adrian, my rock, has faced losing Sophie in a very similar way to me which is a blessing. We openly talk about her, smile and cry at all we had and lost. When asked about children he is happy to tell the world we have a beautiful girl.. but she's in heaven. So many husbands don’t do this and I have met many couples in lost baby land who are struggling because of this inability to acknowledge.

I am again grateful.

Today is our 3rd Wedding anniversary. We are stronger though all we have experienced and today I wish I could marry him all over again. He brings out the best in me and understands when I cannot get to my best. Not once have I regretted being by his side, not once has he given me any reason to not want to be there. He IS amazing.

I love you with all my heart honey. Thank you for 3 wonderful years. Thank you for being open and honest and for riding this wave with me.