Saturday, June 19, 2010

Where did my confidence go?

My life is about to change for the better and because of this change I need to think about what I am going to do with it.. at least until I get the opportunity (and crossing everything I have) to be a mum here on earth.

The biggest problem is since losing Sophie pretty much any passion I had for anything has vanished. Getting excited about the future is a dream I wake up from. I see glimpses of things I like or used to like but I am flat about almost everything.

The old me, the person my husband married was 'a glass half full' kinda girl, the life of the party. As an angel mum my glass has almost dried up! You see, my body let Sophie die. She fought and I failed that's it. No if's or but's and I have to deal with that forever.

These demons I face also mean I have zero confidence. Was it not enough to lose Sophie? The confidence in myself has been removed like my uterus should have been. In fact I feel like my uterus... it's there and functioning just but it can never again do what it was meant to do. I go through the motions but it's all a cover!

I miss the old me but I am not sure I will ever find her fully again. What I do know is that I am scared of the unknown... something I would have grabbed head on in the past.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Sometimes the news makes me angry

Today is one of those days...

Why does an idiot like her get a baby and I don't have Sophie. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH