Saturday, June 19, 2010

Where did my confidence go?

My life is about to change for the better and because of this change I need to think about what I am going to do with it.. at least until I get the opportunity (and crossing everything I have) to be a mum here on earth.

The biggest problem is since losing Sophie pretty much any passion I had for anything has vanished. Getting excited about the future is a dream I wake up from. I see glimpses of things I like or used to like but I am flat about almost everything.

The old me, the person my husband married was 'a glass half full' kinda girl, the life of the party. As an angel mum my glass has almost dried up! You see, my body let Sophie die. She fought and I failed that's it. No if's or but's and I have to deal with that forever.

These demons I face also mean I have zero confidence. Was it not enough to lose Sophie? The confidence in myself has been removed like my uterus should have been. In fact I feel like my uterus... it's there and functioning just but it can never again do what it was meant to do. I go through the motions but it's all a cover!

I miss the old me but I am not sure I will ever find her fully again. What I do know is that I am scared of the unknown... something I would have grabbed head on in the past.

4 comments:

  1. Kyles your story is one of the most cruel I know. I wish things were so different. I know what you mean about missing the old me.
    Sending love.
    xo

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  2. Celestial Legacy of Baby Sophie!

    My soul comes rippling out to meet you Kyle...but I have only just connected with you and your utmost poignant situation, with the help of cyber-blessings in cyberspace!

    Perhaps, I would never have connected with you had there been no cyberspace or had I not read the book Sophie's Dream, about 10 years ago!

    Jay
    (seek_reality@rocketmail.com)

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  3. Could you also please post a few lines here about how your husband takes this tragedy? After all, he should not continue to suffer silently...how does he propose to redesign your lives together into the future with courage and confidence?

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  4. I mis-spelled your name in my first post, Kyles. I am sorry! And my sentiments go out, in equal measure, to Tiger and Sophie's father. Actually, when I made my first post, I was absent-mindedly thinking that I was writing to Sophie's father. It is only after the first post materialized, that I realized that Kyles (not Kyle) was Sophie's mom(!) after I read your post more carefully, the second time. And now, I will read it a third time and also wait for your comments alongwith your husband's comments, if possible.

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