Thursday, January 28, 2010

A list of the all the things that they dont tell you about loss...

Just wanted to share something that was sent to me by a friend the other day and it rang true.

They don't tell you..

  • That when you first lose your baby, there will be days where when you wake up in the morning, for a split second you forget that you have lost your baby, and then the blinding realistion hits and its like losing your baby all over again
  • That most people in your life just don't and will never 'get it' but if you're really lucky, you'll find a great online forum to talk about things you'd never dare discuss with people in real life, and the women just 'get it'
  • That your instincts are generally right and should be trusted
  • That your world has changed forever and you are now part of a club you never wished to be a part of
  • That until your EDD it'll feel like you're somewhat in limbo - you'll probably know how many weeks you were meant to be at any given stage
  • That your EDD will either be a very sad day, or you'll feel numb - and that the lead up to the day will be worse than the actual day
  • That even after your EDD you'll still be counting - "my baby would have been x weeks, months, years old now"
  • That every anniversary of the loss and EDD you'll remember
  • That every mothers day you'll feel like screaming from the rooftops "But I'm a mummy too!!!!!" and every birthday and Christmas you'll feel like someone is missing
  • That all of a sudden there will be an abundance of pregnant women and babies everywhere you go
  • That you'll be looking at the pregnant women and babies and think how you would've looked if you hadn't lost your baby, or how big your baby would be now or what they would've looked like
  • That every time you hear about a friend or relative getting pregnant or having a baby, you'll feel a stabbing in your heart and its just so hard to fight the pangs of jealousy and emptiness that you are feeling because it just feels so unfair
  • That you'll hear news stories about abused children or see them in your neighbourhood and it'll just rip your heart out and make you feel so ripped off that people like that are able to procreate and do that to their child when you would never have been like that to yours.
  • That you'll feel so annoyed and frustrated (maybe even a little jealous) hearing women complain about their pregnancies, even if they're justified in complaining
  • That you'll always wonder "why" and find ways to blame yourself. If you're really lucky you get an answer, but most sadly don't and somehow you just have to live with the why's but they never tell you how to live with that
  • That suddenly a simple question such as "do you have kids?" can lead to all sorts of dilemmas and feelings
  • That there are just not enough tears - that you can cry until you can't cry anymore and still feel so empty and sad because of your loss
  • That there are just no words that adequately describe how you feel when you lose your baby/babies

Thursday, January 21, 2010

RIP BJ Meredith

We had another big blow on NYD. We got news that my best friend’s husband had been bashed at Katherine in the Northern Territory and I got on the first plane to be by her side. (Amee flew to be with Adrian and I after we lost Sophie.. it's that kind of friendship).

I sat with her and her family and friends for 24 hours, hearing the Dr’s reports from 30% success to 1% survival, then the decision to turn the machine off.. It was so surreal. Brett’s injuries were far too severe; his brain had swelled so much his body had shut down and his brain filled with clots. Some thug hit his from behind at the only nightclub in town on NYD and he died. His 3 beautiful children Samuel 5, Jordy 3 and Abbey 2 will never remember their dad and how much he loved them. That thug has left my best friend as a single mum with 3 children, not something she ever signed up or ever imagined. I am so sad for her.. for her 3 beautiful kids who are our God Children.
The laws in Australia are wrong...yesterday they granted him bail…He wants to be near his wife and 3 kids (and one on the way) so they are moving them to Darwin from Adelaide to be near him! I can’t even imagine why someone who (it's going to court so we can't say he is guilty yet) 'allegedly' bashes people should be allowed to go back to his family when Brett cannot EVER SEE HIS KIDS AGAIN. It is just so sad...
So again life as we know it has been changed in an instant.
We didn't see him a lot since they moved to the NT 2 years ago but we got up there a few times. This was us on Grand Final Day October last year, the last time we saw Brett... we had such a lot of fun on a cruise and then watching the game at ANZ Stadium. Shame the Dragons didn't make it for you buddy!

The four of us on our Wedding Day 11 March 2007.

You always joked that you would die young... 39 is way too young.

Give our baby girl lots of cuddles Brett. We will miss you mate xo

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Our little girl's First Birthday 14 Dec 2009

Life seem so busy lately, I just don’t seem to have the time or energy to write and I have noticed the difference in me. I am becoming more angry and upset because I am not getting things of my system. So I am going to try and rectify that by forcing myself to write again. I found it so healing in the beginning but then I fell into a hole where it all became too hard.

We celebrated Sophie’s 1st Birthday with colour and as much fun as we possibly could. Adrian and I had decided a while before that we would get away for her Birthday and do something special so I found a house on the lake up north and we stayed there for the weekend with all our tribe. I felt the need to have balloons so I got a helium pack with 100 coloured balloons for the trip. Before we went we took Sophie 10 helium balloons of all colours so everyone who went to see the babies that weekend could see it was her birthday! The puppies loved the place we found. They could look out over the water and watch all the boats go by, the jet skies and the ducks landing. It was so peaceful sitting there with them. They really bring me peace and have done since we lost Sophie.

The eve of her Birthday we lit candles, I cooked a cake, we opened some Moet and blew up enough balloons to fill the ceiling of our room. We slept covered with them above us.. symbols of the love that we have for our little girl and the celebration we should be having with her here on earth. When 1.59am struck we let some balloons go, one, two, three… ten and watched them fade into the moonlit night. It was so peaceful and we were so proud.

In the morning we found a dog friendly beach and filled the car with the rest of the balloons. Adrian, Sam, Emma, Bluey and Sophie Bear all found the perfect spot, wrote her name in the sand and sang her Happy Birthday while they all flew off into the morning sky. Such a bittersweet day, but if we were at all comfortable with her Birthday these special moments made it possible.
In the afternoon we visited Sophie again and took her her Birthday cake. Every little girl deserves a 1st birthday cake but I didn’t do a great job. (although nothing would have been perfect enough). In fact I really stuffed it up and almost threw it at a wall, before breathing and trying to fix the problem with chocolate.. doesn’t chocolate help so much :). We took a cup of tea, sat down and blew out the candles for her. She would have been such a big girl now. She would have been so beautiful with her dark curls and her crooked smile. I think I will always struggle with ‘what if’s’.. it’s the monster on my shoulder.
We love you so much baby girl.