Our little girl's First Birthday 14 Dec 2009

Life seem so busy lately, I just don’t seem to have the time or energy to write and I have noticed the difference in me. I am becoming more angry and upset because I am not getting things of my system. So I am going to try and rectify that by forcing myself to write again. I found it so healing in the beginning but then I fell into a hole where it all became too hard.

We celebrated Sophie’s 1st Birthday with colour and as much fun as we possibly could. Adrian and I had decided a while before that we would get away for her Birthday and do something special so I found a house on the lake up north and we stayed there for the weekend with all our tribe. I felt the need to have balloons so I got a helium pack with 100 coloured balloons for the trip. Before we went we took Sophie 10 helium balloons of all colours so everyone who went to see the babies that weekend could see it was her birthday! The puppies loved the place we found. They could look out over the water and watch all the boats go by, the jet skies and the ducks landing. It was so peaceful sitting there with them. They really bring me peace and have done since we lost Sophie.

The eve of her Birthday we lit candles, I cooked a cake, we opened some Moet and blew up enough balloons to fill the ceiling of our room. We slept covered with them above us.. symbols of the love that we have for our little girl and the celebration we should be having with her here on earth. When 1.59am struck we let some balloons go, one, two, three… ten and watched them fade into the moonlit night. It was so peaceful and we were so proud.

In the morning we found a dog friendly beach and filled the car with the rest of the balloons. Adrian, Sam, Emma, Bluey and Sophie Bear all found the perfect spot, wrote her name in the sand and sang her Happy Birthday while they all flew off into the morning sky. Such a bittersweet day, but if we were at all comfortable with her Birthday these special moments made it possible.
In the afternoon we visited Sophie again and took her her Birthday cake. Every little girl deserves a 1st birthday cake but I didn’t do a great job. (although nothing would have been perfect enough). In fact I really stuffed it up and almost threw it at a wall, before breathing and trying to fix the problem with chocolate.. doesn’t chocolate help so much :). We took a cup of tea, sat down and blew out the candles for her. She would have been such a big girl now. She would have been so beautiful with her dark curls and her crooked smile. I think I will always struggle with ‘what if’s’.. it’s the monster on my shoulder.

We love you so much baby girl.