Friday, May 22, 2009

Does changing your hair colour work?

The jury is still out with this one.

I've had light hair almost my whole life and recently I've been pondering as to whether I would change my hair from blonde to dark. When I did it last time (and only time) it symbolised a new start, a fresh me. So after many years of meeting bad men I vowed to change my life for the better, resigned myself to singledom and went dark. I liked being dark. I freaked out when I looked in the mirror but I liked being dark. It gave me a new sense of freedom like all the bad history dissolved with the dye.

When I met DH I was dark. He didn't know the blonde. My hair brought with it a real man.. and the dark locks captured him. Amazing how much a bottle can change things. We married and over time I added foils, before I knew it the dark had gone and the blonde was back again. Life was happy and full of promise for the future. It felt good to be blonde again.

The blonde was not making me happy so today I jumped in the deep end again. My subconscious hopes this is the start of some good things to come. I know that is crazy.. it's a hair colour but it's symbolism has worked for me in the past and lets face it I am willing to try anything to get out of this hell I call life.

I am dark. I wished it cured everything but it didn't. I look in the mirror and don't have the wow factor I once did. I have nothing. I am flat, I am sad and I am still an angel mum. What an idiot to think anything would change. Right now the dark now reminds me of what I lost rather than the future but I am hoping that will change... the bottle WILL work again.

I long for the day when I get excited about something but I know I would be happily blonde forever if I could have Sophie Cleo back...

Friday, May 15, 2009

5 months.. could it really be that long?

Stupidly I forgot about yesterday! It was 5 months since we lost Sophie. I am angry with myself for missing it but I know she understands. I have to believe that Sophie is not angry with us for trying to live normal lives.

Actually it was not that I forgot, in fact it was very much on my mind. The reason I forgot was I got mixed up with the dates in this constant foggy cloud I live in. I thought yesterday was the 13th and not the 14th and I only realised last night. I had dinner with a g/f who was lucky enough to have her son survive a very stressful delivery 3 weeks before us. He was caught for 3 hours in the birth canal before an emergency cesarean, it was touch and go. He's constantly having tests and appointments to check his progress. The one thing none of us can do without is oxygen.

I wish we had that choice. I wish we were able to take Soph to tests. At least we would be able to hold and hug her, laugh and cry with her in our arms. I wish she was waking me up at all hours for a feed or just because. There is so much I wish for that will never happen.

In any case I realised when we were leaving and I saw the date on the parking pass. 14.5.2009, exactly 5 months since our innocence was taken away, our happy world torn apart.

So where am I at this time? 5 months seems like an eternity without her. We are creating new dreams which I feel guilty about, but we continue to live each day at a time.

I am still very angry with what happened. I still question the Dr's and the process which was followed at the hospital. I still wonder why I was in hospital for 36 hours without anyone knowing how serious it was. I want to know why they didn't take her out!! And not just hear 'it was better to leave her in there as long as possible to develop'.. Leave her in there... SHE DIED.. how much worse can you GET!? That's complete bullshit! Babies can survive quite well from 30 weeks and she was 32. CRAP CRAP crap! She was in the 97th percentile.. not small... huge and able to be delivered and BREATH OXYGEN!

I am angry...

I don't cry as much anymore and it's not that I am not sad I have just learnt how to blank out the sadness when others are around. I put on this face and smile and no one knows the complete heartache I am actually feeling. I love you so much Sophie Bear. Daddy and I wanted you more than you will ever know and it was cruel and wrong that you died because PEOPLE DIDN'T LISTEN.

I wonder if I will ever get over the anger. Perhaps I will put it in that box with all the other sadness and I will live with it. It feels like we are doing wrong by Sophie to do so, but I know if we are to have any future in this crazy world that is exactly what we need to do.

So today I grieve again...openly and completely. I hate being here. I long to have her in my arms, to feel her warmth and hear her laugh. That is all I want.

Sophie I hope you can forgive mummy for sometimes holding in the pain. I never for a second stop thinking about you or loving you. Daddy and I love you with every breath we take and we hope that one day we will meet again and give you the hugs we so desperately wanted in this life.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Our weekend away

We really need to move by the water somewhere...

It has such a calming effect no matter what is happening in the world. Words don't seem needed when you are staring at such a spectacular view. It has a way of helping to heal even the saddest of hearts.

It was the perfect place to count down the hours until Mothers Day. We paddled with the puppies and enjoyed their excitement. We stared at the view and watched as the boats float on the glassy water. We had a visit each day from a pelican who seemed more interested in the dogs then the people. It was relaxing, it was warming, it was just what we needed.
Mothers Day came and went, there were a few tears but Adrian made sure there were endless cuddles... He made a fruit platter for us for breakfast and later we took our parents out for lunch. It was nice, but we had huge clouds over us...our first MD without our Sophie Bear. Things should have been so different. We should have been there with her showing her the water, letting her feet touch the edge, watching the sunset in all it's beauty and hearing her shriek with delight as the puppies played. It's just not fair at all!

It is so painful being a mum but knowing you cannot share it with anyone on this earth.

My fav photos from our time away, Sammy J and I. These are special to me because we both almost died in the last year but we are both still here enjoying the view.
Did I also mention how much I adore my DH!

Friday, May 8, 2009

The dreaded mothers day

This Sunday is Mothers Day in Australia. I have mixed emotions about it all. With all the publicity at the moment just getting the grocery's is tearful, let alone the TV commercials. I am a mum but instead of looking after my baby she looks after me.

We usually do the "Mothers Day Classic" for Breast Cancer as Adrian's mother has now been 8 years free of it. It's part of a big day of celebration for them, the walk followed by a lavish lunch somewhere swish.

But this year we cannot be around so many people who have loved and lost. I struggled last year with all the photos of loved ones and names of those lost...it's just too painful when you are dealing with your own grief.

So for something completely different we have decided to take our mums and my dad away for the weekend to a Lake up north. Hired a cute little cottage on the water where the dogs can swim to their hearts content and we can eat too much food and drink some bubbles as the sun goes down. Below is a pic of the view from the house... this is something I imagine we will be doing a lot of.

Happy Mothers Day to all us mums!
I hope a star shines down on you all.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

The news was good.. as good as can be expected

Well I still have a uterus... it's still there and it's still working. YAY!! The scar is 'ok'. It has a 4mm thickness at the thinnest point and we were told 'you are high risk but it's worth a try'. Worth a try? I want the best outcome possible not just a try! I want to know there will be a healthy baby and they won't take the chances like last time, that they will listen to what my body is saying! I just wish there was some sort of guarantee but I guess there is never one in anything in life.

It's just a shame that there is 'no data' on this for comparison, even though we blew 'data' out of the water with Sophie. No one knows how safe it will be and how far we can go. It's basically playing it by ear until around week 26 and if all is ok deliver at week 28. That scares me.. everything scares me right now. If If If IFFFFFFFF... I am so sick of If's.

Just going down this track makes me feel guilty. We only just lost her and we miss her terribly. We are not trying to replace Sophie, we never could. She was amazing and touched our hearts so deeply. We learnt so much from her little life and we would give anything to have her back, but I know that's not possible. Hope is now what we are moving towards.. hope that maybe there will be a Sophie Jr in the future.

At least we have a while to think it all over. Thinking is all I seem to do at the moment.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Sonohysterogram

It's amazing all the technical terms we learn once we start dealing with girly bits. Tomorrow I have the test we have been waiting for, a Sonohysterogram. Basically an internal ultrasound using saline, which is better at detecting abnormalities on the inside walls of the uterus. Well WE KNOW there are abnormalities, my uterus 'exploded like a balloon' (using medical terms here) so what tomorrows test will show is the thickness of the scar tissue, which in turn will tell us 'if' we will be able to carry in the future. Scary... I have never wanted a scar to be as big and as thick as I do this one!

Of course this future is still a LONG way off, another 12 months until we could even start trying. Another 12 months of torture wishing Sophie was with us. Adrian still has to agree to my life being put at risk again. I still have 12 months to convince him it will be ok.

In any case the thought of a 'yes' or 'no' is playing on my mind heavily tonight.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

The grapevine doesn't always work...

My gorgeous husband came home last night and looked like he had faced Sophie's death all over again...in a lot of ways he had. All I could do was listen and hug him and try and give him some of the strength I had.

He had gone to a business dinner with a group of people (around 180) we had travelled to Egypt with last year when we were 5 months with Sophie. Of course everyone knew we were expecting and were all excited. I had women telling me birthing stories the whole trip and many of them predicting what we would have etc.

For those who attended last night many of them knew and offered condolences, but to his surprise a lot of them didn't know! He had a dozen people come up to him at all stages of the night asking the excited "what did you have" question.. "How's Kylie and the new baby". I guess the fact that I was not there also meant they assumed I was home with the bub... how I wish with everything that was true!

What we learnt was not to expect that the grapevine always talks. These people all own their own businesses in the same field but obviously don't talk beyond business. We thought for sure they would have all found out but it was like a few key players knew and didn't let people know. How much easier would it have been if an email was sent to all. It would have saved Adrian the heartache of telling the story and the people who didn't know the embarrassment and shock.

He was also faced with that dreaded statement "oh you are both young, you can try again". Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I hate that. How rude to pass off a beautiful child you carried and loved for something that might not even be a reality!! Imagine their surprise when he then has to tell them, "Actually Kylie almost died and we probably won't be able to have children again". People are just plain stupid sometimes.

So tonight we are having dinner with the same group of people and I can only imagine what will happen. I am really hoping the grapevine will work today, they talk at the conference and people won't be so shocked. Adrian has told me I don't have to go as it's an unknown and he doesn't think it will be easy, but I need to be there for him. Last night was a bus crash for him and it broke my heart to see his sadness. We need to have combined strength to deal with this.

It's amazing not only do you have to deal with losing your child, you have to see other babies around you to undeserving people, you have to face the possibility of never being a parent here on earth and you have to face stupid people who have NO IDEA and will never face such tragedy.

While time goes on and our lives move forward we both know losing Sophie will never get easier.

Friday, May 1, 2009

Scrapbooking night with other mothers...

I have never really been into the group things, knitting, painting etc unless it was at the pub with a glass of bubbles! Tonight I embark on a new thing for me. I am meeting a number of women mostly, who all belong to "Bears of Hope" which is a support group here in NSW. Tonight we will be doing things for our angels which will be heartwarming.

I must say I am a little apprehensive about meeting so many people all at such different stages of grief but also that everyone in that room will 'get it'. That is something I have not had but on these pages.

I am sure the night will be fun, but it's still a 'room full of elephants' instead of 'the elephant in the room' if that makes sense. Having talked to many mothers on here from around the world it will be strange to be sitting in the same room with 'others'.

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Update - The night was actually good. There was virtually no scrapbooking done although I did buy some things to start something. It was just good to talk to others either about our babies or general chit chat. It's nice to have a conversation face to face with people who understands. Was nice to put faces to the emails and stories.

It also made me realise how strong I was and that I am going down the right road to recovery both psychically and emotionally.