Monday, March 30, 2009

Another baby? I so wish we could!

I am unlike many of the women on here. I cannot try and get pregnant to help with the pain and make my husband smile again. If I did I could die. What a really shitty card to be dealt.. Everyday I take that little pill in the knowledge that if I don't... well I don't want to think about that right now. All I know is it sucks.

I have done a lot of research on 'my condition' and it is rare that's for sure. Most Dr's have read about it in a journal somewhere but never had a patient with it. My Dr is the lucky one hey! Basically the major blood flow to the uterus is right where mine exploded and though it is sewn up it's really not recommended to try again. There is a Dr who can apparently open me up again and 'restitch the stitch' but I am not sure I am ready for that kind of pain again. Even after this there is no guarantee it will work again. Pain for nothing.. I can do pain for some possibility but for nothing...come on.

So what else can happen? Well the baby might choose to attach onto the scar, not get enough food and not survive. The scar could rupture from the baby's growth, both of us could die but if they got the baby out in time the chance of them having severe brain damage from lack of oxygen is fairly high. Having another rupture and bleeding to death is not how I want to die and I don't want to lose another baby. It's just not fair. All we want is a baby.. why does it have to be so bloody hard.

Reality is over rated

I have not been in the mood for writing my thoughts lately. Life is a little blue in general. We had a fabulous holiday in NZ and when everyone asks how it was I can't help but respond 'It was ok'. It was the holiday we were never meant to have. We should have been home having sleepless nights and loving every minute of it! It just all feels wrong. I hate this 'creating new memories' thing and it is getting me down. How do you start a new path when the one you had was perfect?

This grief we have to endure is so cruel and unfair and I am really struggling with it.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Stepping out

I have finally begun immersing myself into the real world again. I went away to see my best friend in Darwin for 10 days. She flew down to be with us when we lost Sophie although I tried to stop her of course she arrived. I struggled at the supermarkets, the school and the day care we went to. Happy happy people all going about their wonderful lives. We celebrated her birthday and all I wanted to do was go home and hide in bed. But I didnt let her know that. My best friend has no idea of the difficulties I have had with facing everyday life. She tries to understand but I don't think anyone can unless they have faced this loss. This is not my mother or father or grandparent... this is my own flesh and blood. Everything we do now is after Sophie and my life will never be the same again. I will be happy, I will laugh but I am changed forever.

Spending time with her kids, my Godchildren was nice but I found myself constantly wondering what Sophie would be like at this age and that age. How proud would I feel picking her up from school. How lovely it would be to show her off to anyone who would listen. How wonderful it would be to hear her first giggle. It was good but it was hard.

Yes I faced the reality of kids and babies and life... but it was not my life. As always I was still looking in from the outside. I could help run the kids around, change nappies and shovel food down their throats but I could walk away. But I didn't want to walk away... my world should be full of nappies and feeding and sleepless nights, yet I only got 10 nights of it with someone elses children and not my little girl. I WANTED THE SLEEPLESS NIGHTS... it was my right to have them.

Being away from Adrian was difficult. I have found myself clinging to him in a lot of ways I would never have had we not lost Sophie. He is my absolute rock and I counted the days until he joined me. Through our grief we have become closer in a lot of ways, we have become softer towards each other and certainly appreciate the love we have more. Strange what loss does.

On Wednesday we took 2 of the kids out for the day. It was an imaginary world of 'mummy and daddy' for us. Two babies 3 and 15 months were dependent on us for everything and all we were both thinking 'it should be Sophie'. We laughed at their antics and tried to show them we knew what we were doing when they screamed but for the most we had fun. It's just not the same as you're own. I so hope one day we will get that chance.

Tomorrow we are off to NZ for 2 weeks. This is our first 'get away' without our baby girl. The last one was full of hope and a future with her. This one we create memories we should never have had. This is our 'we need to get away holiday'... the thought of that makes me angry but it is so true. I hate creating new memories without our little princess.