Friday, March 6, 2009

Stepping out

I have finally begun immersing myself into the real world again. I went away to see my best friend in Darwin for 10 days. She flew down to be with us when we lost Sophie although I tried to stop her of course she arrived. I struggled at the supermarkets, the school and the day care we went to. Happy happy people all going about their wonderful lives. We celebrated her birthday and all I wanted to do was go home and hide in bed. But I didnt let her know that. My best friend has no idea of the difficulties I have had with facing everyday life. She tries to understand but I don't think anyone can unless they have faced this loss. This is not my mother or father or grandparent... this is my own flesh and blood. Everything we do now is after Sophie and my life will never be the same again. I will be happy, I will laugh but I am changed forever.

Spending time with her kids, my Godchildren was nice but I found myself constantly wondering what Sophie would be like at this age and that age. How proud would I feel picking her up from school. How lovely it would be to show her off to anyone who would listen. How wonderful it would be to hear her first giggle. It was good but it was hard.

Yes I faced the reality of kids and babies and life... but it was not my life. As always I was still looking in from the outside. I could help run the kids around, change nappies and shovel food down their throats but I could walk away. But I didn't want to walk away... my world should be full of nappies and feeding and sleepless nights, yet I only got 10 nights of it with someone elses children and not my little girl. I WANTED THE SLEEPLESS NIGHTS... it was my right to have them.

Being away from Adrian was difficult. I have found myself clinging to him in a lot of ways I would never have had we not lost Sophie. He is my absolute rock and I counted the days until he joined me. Through our grief we have become closer in a lot of ways, we have become softer towards each other and certainly appreciate the love we have more. Strange what loss does.

On Wednesday we took 2 of the kids out for the day. It was an imaginary world of 'mummy and daddy' for us. Two babies 3 and 15 months were dependent on us for everything and all we were both thinking 'it should be Sophie'. We laughed at their antics and tried to show them we knew what we were doing when they screamed but for the most we had fun. It's just not the same as you're own. I so hope one day we will get that chance.

Tomorrow we are off to NZ for 2 weeks. This is our first 'get away' without our baby girl. The last one was full of hope and a future with her. This one we create memories we should never have had. This is our 'we need to get away holiday'... the thought of that makes me angry but it is so true. I hate creating new memories without our little princess.

1 comment:

  1. Sophie is a beautiful baby and her memory will live on through you. I can't comprehend how hard it would be to lose a full term baby but I also have the 'what if's?'. I had a miscarriage 10 months ago and I still think of what could have been, that we could have had a bub by now, that the room next to ours should be painted with the cot set up (yes we were insane and went nursery shopping even tho it was tsill early). We went on a holiday to thailand last September which I had mixed emotions about as we shouldn't have been going as i was 'supposed' to be pregnant. It still sucks as I haven't been able to get pregnant since and thats what adds to the sting.
    I know our journeys have been completly different but I want to let you know that I am thinking of you.