Thursday, April 30, 2009

Nicholas 'Patron Saint of Children'

On 11th February 2009 a premature baby boy was found dumped at a garbage tip near Narellan in Sydney's west, the police have still not found the mother. As shocked as I was to learn of this is February, today I am lifted to know that the little angel they named ~Nicholas~ was laid to rest next to my little girl. We know our Sophie Bear will look after little Nicholas... she has plenty of toys and happy stories to share with her new friend.

God Bless you Nicholas, today Sophie's candle burns for you. May your new wings let you fly high with all our prescious angels.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Under The Tree - April

How long has it been since you lost your child/ren? Has your grief changed at all? Is your life becoming any easier or is it just harder as time passes?

It has been 4 1/2 hard months and there are beginning to be good days, but the bad days continue. Originally I never thought there would be days when I smiled at all but sometimes it creeps in. My grief changes daily and often hourly and it's never something I can predict.

Right now I am going through an angry period and I can't shake it. Why was my beautiful healthy baby girl taken from us? We were surrounded by medical experts and that still did not help. I question myself everyday about the whatif's. Why are there so many awful parents given helpless babied who don't deserve them. My anger is raw but I know that may change by tomorrow. Right now although I don't cry as much on the outside I feel completely broken.

How do you feel when you see pregnant women when you are out and about?

It is not easy at all. I get jealous and angry they they will have what I don't. I was once oblivious like them to the devastation that can happen. Locally where we live there are certain cultures who marry first cousins and that makes me angry. We know many people where cousins have had healthy babies and don't think about 'what could' happen genetically. They don't care they are playing with fire. I am really trying to not get uptight but it's difficult right now.

It's also been difficult dealing with all the women who were pregnant with me and how happy they all are to have their healthy babies. I am happy for them but there is a sadness very few know. I would never show them how I felt as it's not fair to them. It's not their fault they succeeded where we lost.

Whats your therapy in the aftermath of losing your child/ren? Do you go to counseling? Do you do artwork or some kind of exercise or do you simply just let yourself be? What helps you?

We did see a counsellor originally but I didn't click with her at all. We listened to the 'it's not your fault' and 'your dealing with this in a normal way' jargon, but it didn't sit right with me. I may go down that track again but with someone I am completely comfortable with.

I have spent a lot of time playing with Sophie's pictures and making them more beautiful with different effects. It gives me some peace by doing something for her as a mum should be able to do. I am currently creating a book of her life in pictures... but this last few weeks I find that too hard.

I also spend time with my animals who make me smile so much. They know when you are having a bad moment... they know more than we all realise. There is nothing like the unconditional live of a puppy!

Doing this blog has also been a big therapy for me. There are so many wonderful people out there, total strangers that understand and never judge. It helps in more ways than anyone could imagine.

Friday, April 24, 2009

My sanity in this hell

Meet our other children who bring us beautiful moments everyday. These girls love us when we think the world has forgotten us. When you don't having living children there is nothing like the unconditional love of a puppy!

Sammy J - 11 1/2 year old Black Lab

Sammy likes walks, loves water but especially loves to kill certain toys which are like mice. She ahs always been the smart on of the two and hates getting into trouble. Sammy survived 6 months of Chemo last year and has survived 15 months since diagnosis...she is amazing! Sammy met Sophie through mummy's tummy and would often be kicked when she cuddled mummy.

Her favourite place to sleep right now is under daddy's desk sleeping on is foot. She loves it when mummy and daddy sing to her but her legs are too old to dance these days... nothing stops the 'Happy ears' though!

Next we have Emma - 10 1/2 year old Golden Lab

Emma has an obsession with putting what is in her mouth in your left ear? Weird we know but she came from a breeder who did riding for deaf and blind children and we are sure this was her best form of communication with them. Emma loves walks, training new puppies on the etiquette of puppy play and just being beside mummy and daddy. She often tricks Sammy into moving so she can have she bed! Emma is also a mum. At 3 she had 8 black puppies! Her Grandpa has one of them 'Mitch'.

Emma also cannot stop smiling when mummy and daddy sing songs. One of her fourites is "Hey... hey Emma... oh ahhhh....I wanna know ohohoooo if you'll be my girl.. 5,6,7,8!

We also have Maxi - 7 year old fluff ball

He is a fluffy talkative tabby who loves to catch mice and bring them home for Sammy to eat...eewwwww. His favourite sleeping place is anything new in the house, a box, a shirt, a bag and outside on the spa or bbq! Max is comfortable in his skin, not much phases him... even the screaming 1 yr old nephew he sees each month! He loves the girls but he and Sammy are the best of friends.. he gets kisses every day from her! I am sure he thinks he's a dog though. He along with the girls have to be anywhere we are!

In this crazy world this is my favourite thing to do right now...

Dammit Doll!

I had to post this today. My mum and dad visited this week and had picked something up for me from a market. It's Dammit Doll!! We all need these some days a little more than others.

I have used it for some fun and it's still fine so far... imagine what damage you could do!

Thursday, April 23, 2009

My little butterfly

I finally got to deliver the pretty glass butterfly I bought weeks ago to Sophie's grave today. I got it a few weeks back and the day I got it one of the wings fell off. When I took it back for a replacement of course the shop had none left so I had to find them elsewhere. I wanted 3 now, one for Sophie, one for us to keep here and one for a new angel mum I have met. So I searched and asked for Sophie's help... and maybe she intervened but I got the 3 I wanted in the next place I went!

Here is where it was placed today. I hope you love it's pretty glistening wings in the afternoon sunlight sweetheart. Mummy and daddy love you so much!
We have a few things keeping her company now...

Friday, April 17, 2009

Baby Duncan

Over Easter I caught up with an old friend of mine, we worked togther when I first left school. Lee was always loud, happy and boystress and could get anyone to talk. But I saw a light leave her for a long time after she lost her first son Duncan at birth. It was such a shock to everyone and I had never known anyone who had lost a baby.

I used to visit her after losing Duncan, when she was pregnant with both her other children and listen to her talk about Duncan. I used to admire that she spoke so fondly of her little angel. This time I had a completely different view of her world, I was one of the angel club no one ever wants to join.

Lee asked me to bring photo's of Sophie and we shared our baby pics. Just as all mothers do with healthy babies. We were so proud! Lee brought out her memory box and among the cards and pictures there was a handwritten note from me. I had gone to the hospital when she lost Duncan not knowing what to say but knowing I needed to be there for her. I didn't see Lee that time as she was with Duncan so I left a note which the midwives passed on. Was strange seeing it again and knowing I now know exactly how she felt.

Duncan would be 14 now, it doesn't seem that long ago. I am sure Duncan and Sophie have met and they are smiling at their proud mums down here on earth. I know they were with us that night. We love you endlessly.

Life is precious

When you lose a child you lose innocence. I once believed in so much but I struggle with it now...and it's the simple things I find the hardest to deal with. I was always a 'glass half full' kind gal, always smiling and laughing and enjoyed life. For now that person has gone. I hope I can return there one day but this enormous cloud just keeps brewing up a storm.

The grief we experience in losing a child has a way of wiping all innocence and hope from you. For me now it's only people who have lost babies that seem to understand this. Right now I find comfort in complete strangers because they get it. It's a shame that people close to us don't have the same ability to understand. And you know the worst thing...the only way to help the spark return is having another child but that is not always possible. It's true! You're not trying to replace your beautiful baby but you still want the future with a child. How do you redirect your life when it is in such turmoil?

I knew people would drop in and out of our lives after losing Sophie, that was always going to happen. But I have also made a decision to only have people in my life who actually give a stuff. You know the people who are always hard work.. 'why haven't you called' people or the relative who expects everything but gives nothing in return. Everything they say is inappropriate, selfish and tactless and not needed. Life is hard enough without adding negative energy to it. So I am clearing a path for more good energy and who knows some new friends who get it.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Poke me and I will cry

I am so vulnerable it scares me. It is 4 months today since our world crashed down and the title of this post is exactly how I feel. On the surface people are again beginning to see the happy go lucky old me, but underneath I am still a shell of a person who wishes with her every breath I was a mum here on earth. I am so far from 'normal' and not being on the brink of crying at any time. I miss her so's like someone is crushing my heart with their hand. The psychical pain is excruciating.

Sometimes I feel like I am betraying her by trying to move forward. I don't want to move forward. I want to remember her every move, how she made me feel so happy and so much love I never dreamt possible. I feel a future without her is complete betrayal.

I still cannot fathom why this has happened. Sophie was healthy.. why were the Dr's not given enough insight to take her earlier? Why did God not allow a healthy and happy baby to breath and fill our world with happiness? IT'S JUST NOT FAIR and I want to SCREAM it to those people who 'don't get it'.

Easter is over. Little kids running around so excited about the Easter Bunny arriving has finished. Fortunately this year I managed to miss the ritual I have been involved with over recent years, and I am glad. Seeing a dozen little kids from my parents neighbourhood running around doing an egg hunt was the last thing I needed. I just can't cope with knowing that Sophie never got the chance to so such wonderful things. I can imagine her smile and her excited giggle though. Writing this hurts so much...

I love chocolate and I never thought chocolate would bring me to tears but this weekend it represents so much pain. In losing Sophie we have lost a future and a journey we had only just begun. I found myself looking at the people around me and wanting to shout out 'Imagine if you lost your daughter at birth.. you would not have this person in front of you now, you would not have seen her get married and had the joy of playing with her children". I just feel like no one around me gets it.

Missing the Easter hunt though was not a plan, that was for other reasons. I have a big brother who in short is a selfish shit and he is the only person in his would that counts. He caused a big ruckus over nothing and instead of defending his tone I left the yard and burst into tears. I can usually hold my own with him as I am used to his attitude but this time I lost it...but I didn't let him see me cry. This is a 40 yr old who never grew up, and after he spat the dummy he took off and sulked for 3 days and kept his 2 beautiful children away from us at Easter. And not only us but their 3 grandparents.

What hit me with this hissy fit was that neither he nor his wife have once called Adrian or I in this last 4 months just to see how we am doing. Why are some people just so incredibly selfish? I think of what I would have done had it been him losing a child...we are so different and I wish I could make him wake up and realise how lucky he is. He just takes it all for granted and nothing in this world ever makes him happy. He needs a reality check!

So I am happy to be home and in my own little world again. I will take Sophie some flowers soon and see if that makes me feel slightly better. I will fluff over her grave, blow bubbles for her in the air and tell her I love her for the billionth time. Right now all I know is this four months has been life changing and I am not sure I will ever fully come out of this nightmare.

Sophie Bear please help daddy and I get though today, we are so very sad without you. We love and miss you so much! xo

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Milana Matilda Rose - what a beautiful name...

I was getting lost with web searches the other day as I often do and came across a a web page which ultimately lead me to a lady who had almost an identical experience as me. Something so rare happened within a few months and less than an hours drive from one other. What are the odds hey?

We talked for a long time, two strangers with a link very few will ever understand. Maybe it is something we will never understand completely either. Thank you for the talk Tracey, while it brought up everything that happened it also eased some of my grief as it was shared.

Tracey brought her beautiful little Milana Matilda Rose into the world on 23rd Feb 09. Her uterus ruptured at the top and Milana's oxygen was cut off. Milana was breathing on a ventilator for 42 hours before passing in her arms.

It is so cruel that we are given something so special yet have it taken away so abruptly.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Updated blog

Well today is wet and cooler than it has been which meant I had the time to find a new background. It makes me feel good, the stones remind me of Sophie :)