Under The Tree - April

How long has it been since you lost your child/ren? Has your grief changed at all? Is your life becoming any easier or is it just harder as time passes?

It has been 4 1/2 hard months and there are beginning to be good days, but the bad days continue. Originally I never thought there would be days when I smiled at all but sometimes it creeps in. My grief changes daily and often hourly and it's never something I can predict.

Right now I am going through an angry period and I can't shake it. Why was my beautiful healthy baby girl taken from us? We were surrounded by medical experts and that still did not help. I question myself everyday about the whatif's. Why are there so many awful parents given helpless babied who don't deserve them. My anger is raw but I know that may change by tomorrow. Right now although I don't cry as much on the outside I feel completely broken.

How do you feel when you see pregnant women when you are out and about?

It is not easy at all. I get jealous and angry they they will have what I don't. I was once oblivious like them to the devastation that can happen. Locally where we live there are certain cultures who marry first cousins and that makes me angry. We know many people where cousins have had healthy babies and don't think about 'what could' happen genetically. They don't care they are playing with fire. I am really trying to not get uptight but it's difficult right now.

It's also been difficult dealing with all the women who were pregnant with me and how happy they all are to have their healthy babies. I am happy for them but there is a sadness very few know. I would never show them how I felt as it's not fair to them. It's not their fault they succeeded where we lost.

Whats your therapy in the aftermath of losing your child/ren? Do you go to counseling? Do you do artwork or some kind of exercise or do you simply just let yourself be? What helps you?

We did see a counsellor originally but I didn't click with her at all. We listened to the 'it's not your fault' and 'your dealing with this in a normal way' jargon, but it didn't sit right with me. I may go down that track again but with someone I am completely comfortable with.

I have spent a lot of time playing with Sophie's pictures and making them more beautiful with different effects. It gives me some peace by doing something for her as a mum should be able to do. I am currently creating a book of her life in pictures... but this last few weeks I find that too hard.

I also spend time with my animals who make me smile so much. They know when you are having a bad moment... they know more than we all realise. There is nothing like the unconditional live of a puppy!

Doing this blog has also been a big therapy for me. There are so many wonderful people out there, total strangers that understand and never judge. It helps in more ways than anyone could imagine.