I am so vulnerable it scares me. It is 4 months today since our world crashed down and the title of this post is exactly how I feel. On the surface people are again beginning to see the happy go lucky old me, but underneath I am still a shell of a person who wishes with her every breath I was a mum here on earth. I am so far from 'normal' and not being on the brink of crying at any time. I miss her so much...it's like someone is crushing my heart with their hand. The psychical pain is excruciating.
Sometimes I feel like I am betraying her by trying to move forward. I don't want to move forward. I want to remember her every move, how she made me feel so happy and so much love I never dreamt possible. I feel a future without her is complete betrayal.
I still cannot fathom why this has happened. Sophie was healthy.. why were the Dr's not given enough insight to take her earlier? Why did God not allow a healthy and happy baby to breath and fill our world with happiness? IT'S JUST NOT FAIR and I want to SCREAM it to those people who 'don't get it'.
Easter is over. Little kids running around so excited about the Easter Bunny arriving has finished. Fortunately this year I managed to miss the ritual I have been involved with over recent years, and I am glad. Seeing a dozen little kids from my parents neighbourhood running around doing an egg hunt was the last thing I needed. I just can't cope with knowing that Sophie never got the chance to so such wonderful things. I can imagine her smile and her excited giggle though. Writing this hurts so much...
I love chocolate and I never thought chocolate would bring me to tears but this weekend it represents so much pain. In losing Sophie we have lost a future and a journey we had only just begun. I found myself looking at the people around me and wanting to shout out 'Imagine if you lost your daughter at birth.. you would not have this person in front of you now, you would not have seen her get married and had the joy of playing with her children". I just feel like no one around me gets it.
Missing the Easter hunt though was not a plan, that was for other reasons. I have a big brother who in short is a selfish shit and he is the only person in his would that counts. He caused a big ruckus over nothing and instead of defending his tone I left the yard and burst into tears. I can usually hold my own with him as I am used to his attitude but this time I lost it...but I didn't let him see me cry. This is a 40 yr old who never grew up, and after he spat the dummy he took off and sulked for 3 days and kept his 2 beautiful children away from us at Easter. And not only us but their 3 grandparents.
What hit me with this hissy fit was that neither he nor his wife have once called Adrian or I in this last 4 months just to see how we am doing. Why are some people just so incredibly selfish? I think of what I would have done had it been him losing a child...we are so different and I wish I could make him wake up and realise how lucky he is. He just takes it all for granted and nothing in this world ever makes him happy. He needs a reality check!
So I am happy to be home and in my own little world again. I will take Sophie some flowers soon and see if that makes me feel slightly better. I will fluff over her grave, blow bubbles for her in the air and tell her I love her for the billionth time. Right now all I know is this four months has been life changing and I am not sure I will ever fully come out of this nightmare.
Sophie Bear please help daddy and I get though today, we are so very sad without you. We love and miss you so much! xo