Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Day 8 - Jewellery

I have a few things I wear all the time now and these are very special to me.

Adrian bought 2 Crouches of Queen Cleopatra in Egypt when we were pregnant and had decided on Sophie's middle name of Cleo. There was one for me and one for Sophie when she was old enough. This baby one was for her and Adrian now wears the one he bought for me. We keep her close to our hearts.

The other piece I wear is her hands and feet in silver. I searched for a year trying to find the perfect representation of her prints.. well perfect enough for me anyway. I got this from the UK and I am lost without it.

Day 7 - What to Say

This seems to be a common theme among angel parents. For us it is always a hard one and a complete conversation stopper. You can see the air change in a conversation almost every time we mention Sophie and that breaks my heart. I used to be offended (and I still can be at times) but now I realise it's not me that has the issue it's their issue, their lack of knowledge and maybe even compassion.

We will always say her name loud and proud so don't shy away when we do. Sophie is and always will be our daughter.

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Day 6 - What not to say

Well this is a tough one and probably not something I would have ever put into writing. Let's be honest there have been a few choice phrases said to us over the time but these are the ones that have stuck with me for almost 4 years. Some people should just not speak...

1. 'Don't worry, you can have another baby'
(Really? You seriously don't meant that... Our daughter died. I almost died... do you really want to say that? Yes we were lucky enough to but only after almost 4 years of struggle and a wonderful amazing surrogate to delivery him for us!! No we couldn't just have another baby!)

2. 'Ah, it's probably for the best'
(Best for who? Sophie was perfect and it was the medical profession that let her and us down. She should be here but they decided she was safer inside my uterus... how wrong they all were!)

3. 'Wow, she was a real baby' (after seeing her photos)
(Umm yes she was.. flesh and blood and absolutely gorgeous! I ask the question..at what age do people thing babies are real?)

4. Are you over it yet?? Or even better.. I'm sure you have moved on by now?
(Simply never ever going to happen. I miss Sophie even more now that I have Hamish! Every time I look at him I wonder how she would have looked at his age. How it would have felt to see her smile. Please know that I will never be over losing my daughter, not last week, not tomorrow and not next year. It was the worst thing that has ever happened to me, categorically the worst.. nothing will surpass her death.

I am sure there are others but for whatever reason my small and delicate brain has protected me and allowed me to forget them.

Friday, October 5, 2012

Day 5 - Memorial

We don't really have a memorial as such but when we visit Sophie's grave we make a big deal. Each birthday is showered with special cakes and balloons... but every time we go we take something special for her as if she were here and asking for toys!

Having no idea what the right thing to do was we chose a baby area at Rookwood in Sydney for her as we knew other mums, dads and family would visit the area and we found that comforting.  There are always toys, photos and special items left for the bubbas. One thing we did start was windmills and I love arriving and seeing all the colours moving in the breeze. It’s our special gift for Sophie.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Day 4 - Most treasured item

There are so many things I could show today. Our only Family photo at Sophie's funeral, the Bear we were given in Hospital 'Bluey' and the very few photos we actually have of our little girl. Memories we created because we didn't have her to take home and we didnt want to have any regrets.

I think this is a big one for me. In hospital while we were given a Bear of Hope we were not given any information on how we could create memories. We were fortunate a friend suggested we contact Twinkle Toes.. I will be forever grateful to her, thanks you Michelle... as they are irreplaceable. Sophie's hand and feet casts sit pride of place in our bedroom with her birth certificate and photos.  I have them on my blog a few times and i love seeing them.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Day 3 - After Loss

We chose to go away for my First Mothers Day in 2009 to Lake Munmorah. My puppies have been my non human life line and provide me with an unspoken understanding I cannot explain.

Adrian took this as I sat with my eldest Lab Sammy J on the wharf for what seemed like hours. We both wished she was there with us.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Day 2 - Before Loss

It's been a while.
A lot has happened.
I have grown in many ways.
I smile now, but I still miss Sophie more than anyone could ever imagine.

I am doing 'Capture your grief' or at least attmepting to in order to see how I am fairing. If I am healing... I am honestly not too sure.


I missed day 1 and only got the moon at a distance last night. It was not the best so I am moving on to day 2. I think about this happy go lucky 'me' every day. I miss feeling like that.