Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Leprechauns and Sophie Bears

Where do I start...I have just not had the time nor the energy lately to write on here and it has been a concern for me. My energy has been thrown into working with Adrian and following him around in all he does. He is an amazing man and I am in awe of him everyday.

Adrian made the marathon (in the Leprechaun suit) and raised $29,000 for Bears of Hope. Words are not enough to begin to describe the emotion I felt when he crossed that finish line. If it could my heart would have burst from my chest. He is just amazing.

For part of the fundraising I did a video for Adrian of all the trials leading up to the marathon and also to help with awareness.

video


On Sat night Bears of Hope had their First Annual Gala Dinner to honor all our bubba angles. I helped as part of the committee setting up... the night was beautiful and everything went to plan. Unexpectedly the founders of Bears of Hope got up and talked about the wonderful work that Adrian had done with the Marathon and why he had done the fundraising which was to help them get their own 'Bear of Hope'. We thought we were going to help them design it but to our surprise they launched the bear at the Gala and it was so beautiful. Then they dropped the bombshell... The Bear is named 'Sophie'!!!

What a wonderful honor but such a heartbreak at the same time...to know that family's who lose bubba's in the future in NSW and ACT will receive a bear called 'Sophie'. We were presented with the very first 'Sophie Bear'...she will take pride of place along with our special Sophie Cleo things.
We are still in shock at such a gesture for raising some money. Adrian promised Sophie he would make a difference and he has... I know she is proudly watching over her daddy.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

City to Surf

Last weekend Adrian and I went in the City to Surf with a couple of other girls we have met through Bears of Hope. This race is a 14km run/walk in Sydney from the city to the beach. Adrian ran in the Leprechaun suit as usual but both of us ran (ok I walked!!) for Sophie with this on the back of our shirts... I hope many of the 75,000 people who were in the run saw how proudly we wore her name and prints. Here are Adrian and I with Toni and Kylie. Toni was running for her 7 Angels and Kylie was running for her 2 boys Jesse and Jamie.

Adrian has raised over $13k so far in his training run for the Marathon which is only 4 weeks away now.. I think he will hit $20k! Go LARRY!!

Here we are after the race with Bluey our 'Bear of Hope' and our medals.

Sophie and I are so proud of you Daddy! :)

Friday, August 14, 2009

Time makes it all worse

It's eight months today since our world changed forever. I cannot believe that time has passed. Some days I feel like I am coping and others I fall into a complete mess.

For much of these months I was locked away at home. I was happy and content to fiddle around and not concern myself with life 'out there'. Even when I was psychically able to go out I wanted to stay home. There I could grieve for my little girl in peace. I could miss her, remember her, love her, talk to her and feel like she was near me anytime I wanted.

But life is so busy now. I gave up my corporate job of 10 years and and am now working with my husband. Adrian is amazing. He wanted me to be with him when I had good and bad days at work, so he could cuddle me...I thank him for that.

Working again has made me face fears, the pregnant customers, the newborn babies, the toddlers. But while I am facing it I still find it hard to look at them, I more look past them. It's too hard to see the glow they have, the glow I so long to feel again but know I never will.

I crave the sanctuary I built in memory of my beautiful Sophie Cleo. I miss having enough time to miss her. I feel so guilty about this right now and I am finding that I am forgetting a lot about having her. I want to remember how she felt inside me, how she made me feel so proud and complete. How do you etch this forever in your memory without losing things? I feel like all this makes me a bad mum.

So now that I am back in it I don't find the real world all that inviting to be honest. It disappoints me constantly. The bar is way higher now with life. I hate having no innocence, no hope and no glow. I wonder if I will ever get a spark back with life in general.

It's just so excruciatingly hard. We have now lost her for as long as we had her.

We miss you so much sweetheart. We wish with all our hearts we had you in our arms right now xoxo.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

A promise kept

After Sophie was born we got to spend as much time with her as we wanted. Of course it was not enough and I wish we had been able to keep her beside us the whole time. You just never know what is right or wrong and hindsight is a bastard with loss like this. We loved holding her, touching her beautiful face and giving her nosies. We were so in love with this gorgeous creation of ours.

One time in particular we had her in the middle of the both of us, we were talking to her and singing silly songs, just as we would have had she been ‘with us’. Adrian kissed her nose and said to her “I am going to make a difference Sophie Bear… I don’t know how or when yet but I will make a difference, I promise you”.

Adrian is a doer. There is never an excuse, he delivers. In all the time I have known him if he says he will do something he will. His mates have always said this about him and it’s a wonderful attribute. So Adrian is doing as he promised Sophie.
Meet Larry the Leprechaun!

The local paper the Parramatta Advertiser has done a great video for his fund raising efforts.
http://www.gofundraise.com.au/leprechaun

Larry is running the Sydney marathon for Bears of Hope who have supported us more than words could ever say in the last 7 months. They provided us with a bear we named Bluey in hospital who we have started a blog with Bluey’s Adventures. It’s been good for our healing to have Bluey and his adventures. Adrian (I mean Larry) has been doing some trial ½ marathon runs in the suit to see if it needed any modifications for the 42.5km run, but so far so good. Larry is aiming for $15,000 and to date has raised $10,332. I am so proud I could burst.
Here we are with Bluey after the race.
Sophie, Daddy is making a difference for other families in the future who lose a bubba. I know you are just as proud as mummy.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Limbo

I just have not felt like writing lately. Our lives have become so crazy and I keep wondering why we have this life and not the one where we would be watching Sophie grow and laugh and cry.

In the last month I have spent time with precious family and started working with my husband. I am not entirely sure I am ready to face the big world yet but I agreed to give it a try. A part of me felt like I owed him. He has been so wonderful, never questioning what I needed after the ordeal my body went through not to mention my head and heart. But as my mind and body recovered I felt like I could not sit around here and mope forever. So for him I started.

DH is lucky in a lot of life. Successful business, wonderful friends... he wins lots of stuff too. He enters competitions and ends up with fridges, tickets to things.. I wish he had to lotto numbers though.

This month was no exception. DH was also given the opportunity (he won another competition) to play AFL for a charity match 2 weeks ago in Melbourne with so many players he loved and had watched the careers of over the years. I was so proud watching him run around Ethiad Stadium like he was a professional footballer. All his friends are so jealous. He is No13 below.


I love seeing him smile.. he so deserves it

We will be travelling to Ireland in October where he will play with the International Rules Masters team. He's retired now but occasionally comes out to play.

He gets so much opportunity yet would have given it all away to be a dad here on earth.

Why were we chosen for this tragedy? We were so ready for Sophie. Life just does not make sense.

So where are we with babies? My uterus was at it's best with Sophie and she died. Now it is struggling and I feel it everyday. It's not even remotely what it was before the rupture and I am ever aware of it's presence which I know is not 'normal'.

We have visited a few specialists with divided opinions. One was positive, with rest and monitoring... it sounds so easy. Then next one was a slap back to reality. He lost a patient 7 years ago from a repeat rupture. What they all agreed on was 'it will rupture', it just depends on 'when' as to the success or tragedy.

This is the bit I am really struggling with. I want to be here to me a mum. I don't want to die right now.. I almost did last time. I don't want to leave Adrian alone to raise a child, or worse alone without a wife or child.

The more time goes on the more it is becoming clear that we should use another option to become parents. I know we will one day but the wait is just so hard.

Monday, June 15, 2009

6 months today

How time flies when you are buried in grief. I honestly cannot believe I am saying we lost Sophie 6 months ago. It feels like yesterday we were such happy and expectant parents who could not wait to meet their beautiful little girl. Our world was perfect.. nothing could stop us or so we thought.

There have been days, even hours when I never thought moving forward would never be at all possible. Getting out of bed was the hardest thing to do initially, basically because my body was in such shock from Sophie's delivery. Then as the psychical wound healed I needed to face the real world which I hated. I didn't want to leave the house and face HAPPY PEOPLE. I hated them because we were robbed of that. Deep down I still hate them...

This is an awful comparison but I felt like it was like when you buy a new car and you see yours everywhere. That was all I saw, the baby makers, they were everywhere and I was so jealous and sad. I could not understand why people like that got to go all the way and we were never given the chance. I would cry at the sight of a baby let alone a pregnant woman. Toys, clothes, movies, neighbours, hardware commercials with children's chairs.. everything was like a knife straight to my heart and it ached so badly for what we had lost.

As many of us say in our blogs this new reality basically sucks and yes it does. In fact sucks is a nice word for it. This new reality is harsh and misses something so precious, our daughter. No matter what happens she will not be a part of our future and that kills me. We will always love and remember her in any way we can, but she won't meet her brother or sister, if we are fortunate enough to ever have one of them.

Lately I have been looking at her pictures and am faced with the knowledge that she remains forever held in time. She will never grow up like all the babies and children around us. We will never see her goo and gar or say mummy and daddy. It's just completely shit! Why the hell did this happen to us? It's just not fucking fair!

I have been in Singapore for a few weeks visiting family and being away from DH is really getting hard. Today was awful... I just needed his hugs and to know that HE KNEW TOO. Tonight my brother and sister-in-law new what a hard day this was for me and we celebrated with some French Champagne. Celebrated because we are parents and deserve to celebrate and Sophie will always be our little girl.

God I miss Sophie so much. While I am going about life now and not locked away in my house I am still a mess inside. I might not cry as often but the pain is still very much present. I guess I have learnt how to live with it and fool the rest of society. I must be getting really good at it by now...

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

True Love

I love my Sophie Bear so much! I miss her so much it hurts so much more than I could ever put into words. I miss what we would have and SHOULD have had and sometimes it completely eats me up. I love you Sophie Cleo... you have touched our world like nothing we ever imagined and we love you with all our hearts. Sometimes it just hurts so much more.. guess that is now for me.

I am away on holidays at the moment and am missing my DH enormously. When we are apart it feels wrong. We have connected in ways we probably never would have through Sophie. Sometimes I am happy with the knowledge that our little girl has brought us to a place we may never have known, and other times I am grief stricken at why we had to find this side of us. He is amazing and I am eternally grateful for his love, compassion and comfort.

I have been visiting my best friend and my God Children again in the NT. Its lovely to be with them, I am part of the family, but a part of me never loses sight of the loss and the pain I constantly feel. It's just so hard to know that you will never see the smiles or hear the giggles of your beautiful child. It SUCKS completely and I wonder if I will ever truly be happy and content again. Amazing how your life can change forever in an instant and amazing how the world around you will never know what's really going on inside.

On this trip I am really trying to take in the beauty of the world as hard as it is.
Today we went to Edith Falls. It is a beautiful haven, everywhere you look is breathtaking, waterholes and waterfalls. We swam and laughed and took in the landscape (and hoped there were no crocs around!). Amazes me that in a few weeks I will be back in Sydney and wearing a scarf and coat out and complaining about the cold. Here it is still and the nights are warm. The only time you feel the cool is right before dawn which is a gorgeous time. Amee and I went for a bike ride this morning around Katherine and it was lovely as the sun popped it's head up.
Here we are swimming and exhausted...No Crocs...HOPE NOT!?Off to Singapore tomorrow to see my Brother, SIL and 16 month old Nephew Oliver. Will try to make the most of the time there and enjoy their hospitality, even if it is without my beautiful DH who is my rock. Sophie and I love you so much Daddy! We wish you were here!!!

Friday, May 22, 2009

Does changing your hair colour work?

The jury is still out with this one.

I've had light hair almost my whole life and recently I've been pondering as to whether I would change my hair from blonde to dark. When I did it last time (and only time) it symbolised a new start, a fresh me. So after many years of meeting bad men I vowed to change my life for the better, resigned myself to singledom and went dark. I liked being dark. I freaked out when I looked in the mirror but I liked being dark. It gave me a new sense of freedom like all the bad history dissolved with the dye.

When I met DH I was dark. He didn't know the blonde. My hair brought with it a real man.. and the dark locks captured him. Amazing how much a bottle can change things. We married and over time I added foils, before I knew it the dark had gone and the blonde was back again. Life was happy and full of promise for the future. It felt good to be blonde again.

The blonde was not making me happy so today I jumped in the deep end again. My subconscious hopes this is the start of some good things to come. I know that is crazy.. it's a hair colour but it's symbolism has worked for me in the past and lets face it I am willing to try anything to get out of this hell I call life.

I am dark. I wished it cured everything but it didn't. I look in the mirror and don't have the wow factor I once did. I have nothing. I am flat, I am sad and I am still an angel mum. What an idiot to think anything would change. Right now the dark now reminds me of what I lost rather than the future but I am hoping that will change... the bottle WILL work again.

I long for the day when I get excited about something but I know I would be happily blonde forever if I could have Sophie Cleo back...

Friday, May 15, 2009

5 months.. could it really be that long?

Stupidly I forgot about yesterday! It was 5 months since we lost Sophie. I am angry with myself for missing it but I know she understands. I have to believe that Sophie is not angry with us for trying to live normal lives.

Actually it was not that I forgot, in fact it was very much on my mind. The reason I forgot was I got mixed up with the dates in this constant foggy cloud I live in. I thought yesterday was the 13th and not the 14th and I only realised last night. I had dinner with a g/f who was lucky enough to have her son survive a very stressful delivery 3 weeks before us. He was caught for 3 hours in the birth canal before an emergency cesarean, it was touch and go. He's constantly having tests and appointments to check his progress. The one thing none of us can do without is oxygen.

I wish we had that choice. I wish we were able to take Soph to tests. At least we would be able to hold and hug her, laugh and cry with her in our arms. I wish she was waking me up at all hours for a feed or just because. There is so much I wish for that will never happen.

In any case I realised when we were leaving and I saw the date on the parking pass. 14.5.2009, exactly 5 months since our innocence was taken away, our happy world torn apart.

So where am I at this time? 5 months seems like an eternity without her. We are creating new dreams which I feel guilty about, but we continue to live each day at a time.

I am still very angry with what happened. I still question the Dr's and the process which was followed at the hospital. I still wonder why I was in hospital for 36 hours without anyone knowing how serious it was. I want to know why they didn't take her out!! And not just hear 'it was better to leave her in there as long as possible to develop'.. Leave her in there... SHE DIED.. how much worse can you GET!? That's complete bullshit! Babies can survive quite well from 30 weeks and she was 32. CRAP CRAP crap! She was in the 97th percentile.. not small... huge and able to be delivered and BREATH OXYGEN!

I am angry...

I don't cry as much anymore and it's not that I am not sad I have just learnt how to blank out the sadness when others are around. I put on this face and smile and no one knows the complete heartache I am actually feeling. I love you so much Sophie Bear. Daddy and I wanted you more than you will ever know and it was cruel and wrong that you died because PEOPLE DIDN'T LISTEN.

I wonder if I will ever get over the anger. Perhaps I will put it in that box with all the other sadness and I will live with it. It feels like we are doing wrong by Sophie to do so, but I know if we are to have any future in this crazy world that is exactly what we need to do.

So today I grieve again...openly and completely. I hate being here. I long to have her in my arms, to feel her warmth and hear her laugh. That is all I want.

Sophie I hope you can forgive mummy for sometimes holding in the pain. I never for a second stop thinking about you or loving you. Daddy and I love you with every breath we take and we hope that one day we will meet again and give you the hugs we so desperately wanted in this life.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Our weekend away

We really need to move by the water somewhere...

It has such a calming effect no matter what is happening in the world. Words don't seem needed when you are staring at such a spectacular view. It has a way of helping to heal even the saddest of hearts.

It was the perfect place to count down the hours until Mothers Day. We paddled with the puppies and enjoyed their excitement. We stared at the view and watched as the boats float on the glassy water. We had a visit each day from a pelican who seemed more interested in the dogs then the people. It was relaxing, it was warming, it was just what we needed.
Mothers Day came and went, there were a few tears but Adrian made sure there were endless cuddles... He made a fruit platter for us for breakfast and later we took our parents out for lunch. It was nice, but we had huge clouds over us...our first MD without our Sophie Bear. Things should have been so different. We should have been there with her showing her the water, letting her feet touch the edge, watching the sunset in all it's beauty and hearing her shriek with delight as the puppies played. It's just not fair at all!

It is so painful being a mum but knowing you cannot share it with anyone on this earth.

My fav photos from our time away, Sammy J and I. These are special to me because we both almost died in the last year but we are both still here enjoying the view.
Did I also mention how much I adore my DH!

Friday, May 8, 2009

The dreaded mothers day

This Sunday is Mothers Day in Australia. I have mixed emotions about it all. With all the publicity at the moment just getting the grocery's is tearful, let alone the TV commercials. I am a mum but instead of looking after my baby she looks after me.

We usually do the "Mothers Day Classic" for Breast Cancer as Adrian's mother has now been 8 years free of it. It's part of a big day of celebration for them, the walk followed by a lavish lunch somewhere swish.

But this year we cannot be around so many people who have loved and lost. I struggled last year with all the photos of loved ones and names of those lost...it's just too painful when you are dealing with your own grief.

So for something completely different we have decided to take our mums and my dad away for the weekend to a Lake up north. Hired a cute little cottage on the water where the dogs can swim to their hearts content and we can eat too much food and drink some bubbles as the sun goes down. Below is a pic of the view from the house... this is something I imagine we will be doing a lot of.

Happy Mothers Day to all us mums!
I hope a star shines down on you all.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

The news was good.. as good as can be expected

Well I still have a uterus... it's still there and it's still working. YAY!! The scar is 'ok'. It has a 4mm thickness at the thinnest point and we were told 'you are high risk but it's worth a try'. Worth a try? I want the best outcome possible not just a try! I want to know there will be a healthy baby and they won't take the chances like last time, that they will listen to what my body is saying! I just wish there was some sort of guarantee but I guess there is never one in anything in life.

It's just a shame that there is 'no data' on this for comparison, even though we blew 'data' out of the water with Sophie. No one knows how safe it will be and how far we can go. It's basically playing it by ear until around week 26 and if all is ok deliver at week 28. That scares me.. everything scares me right now. If If If IFFFFFFFF... I am so sick of If's.

Just going down this track makes me feel guilty. We only just lost her and we miss her terribly. We are not trying to replace Sophie, we never could. She was amazing and touched our hearts so deeply. We learnt so much from her little life and we would give anything to have her back, but I know that's not possible. Hope is now what we are moving towards.. hope that maybe there will be a Sophie Jr in the future.

At least we have a while to think it all over. Thinking is all I seem to do at the moment.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Sonohysterogram

It's amazing all the technical terms we learn once we start dealing with girly bits. Tomorrow I have the test we have been waiting for, a Sonohysterogram. Basically an internal ultrasound using saline, which is better at detecting abnormalities on the inside walls of the uterus. Well WE KNOW there are abnormalities, my uterus 'exploded like a balloon' (using medical terms here) so what tomorrows test will show is the thickness of the scar tissue, which in turn will tell us 'if' we will be able to carry in the future. Scary... I have never wanted a scar to be as big and as thick as I do this one!

Of course this future is still a LONG way off, another 12 months until we could even start trying. Another 12 months of torture wishing Sophie was with us. Adrian still has to agree to my life being put at risk again. I still have 12 months to convince him it will be ok.

In any case the thought of a 'yes' or 'no' is playing on my mind heavily tonight.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

The grapevine doesn't always work...

My gorgeous husband came home last night and looked like he had faced Sophie's death all over again...in a lot of ways he had. All I could do was listen and hug him and try and give him some of the strength I had.

He had gone to a business dinner with a group of people (around 180) we had travelled to Egypt with last year when we were 5 months with Sophie. Of course everyone knew we were expecting and were all excited. I had women telling me birthing stories the whole trip and many of them predicting what we would have etc.

For those who attended last night many of them knew and offered condolences, but to his surprise a lot of them didn't know! He had a dozen people come up to him at all stages of the night asking the excited "what did you have" question.. "How's Kylie and the new baby". I guess the fact that I was not there also meant they assumed I was home with the bub... how I wish with everything that was true!

What we learnt was not to expect that the grapevine always talks. These people all own their own businesses in the same field but obviously don't talk beyond business. We thought for sure they would have all found out but it was like a few key players knew and didn't let people know. How much easier would it have been if an email was sent to all. It would have saved Adrian the heartache of telling the story and the people who didn't know the embarrassment and shock.

He was also faced with that dreaded statement "oh you are both young, you can try again". Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I hate that. How rude to pass off a beautiful child you carried and loved for something that might not even be a reality!! Imagine their surprise when he then has to tell them, "Actually Kylie almost died and we probably won't be able to have children again". People are just plain stupid sometimes.

So tonight we are having dinner with the same group of people and I can only imagine what will happen. I am really hoping the grapevine will work today, they talk at the conference and people won't be so shocked. Adrian has told me I don't have to go as it's an unknown and he doesn't think it will be easy, but I need to be there for him. Last night was a bus crash for him and it broke my heart to see his sadness. We need to have combined strength to deal with this.

It's amazing not only do you have to deal with losing your child, you have to see other babies around you to undeserving people, you have to face the possibility of never being a parent here on earth and you have to face stupid people who have NO IDEA and will never face such tragedy.

While time goes on and our lives move forward we both know losing Sophie will never get easier.

Friday, May 1, 2009

Scrapbooking night with other mothers...

I have never really been into the group things, knitting, painting etc unless it was at the pub with a glass of bubbles! Tonight I embark on a new thing for me. I am meeting a number of women mostly, who all belong to "Bears of Hope" which is a support group here in NSW. Tonight we will be doing things for our angels which will be heartwarming.

I must say I am a little apprehensive about meeting so many people all at such different stages of grief but also that everyone in that room will 'get it'. That is something I have not had but on these pages.

I am sure the night will be fun, but it's still a 'room full of elephants' instead of 'the elephant in the room' if that makes sense. Having talked to many mothers on here from around the world it will be strange to be sitting in the same room with 'others'.

----------------------------------------
Update - The night was actually good. There was virtually no scrapbooking done although I did buy some things to start something. It was just good to talk to others either about our babies or general chit chat. It's nice to have a conversation face to face with people who understands. Was nice to put faces to the emails and stories.

It also made me realise how strong I was and that I am going down the right road to recovery both psychically and emotionally.

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Nicholas 'Patron Saint of Children'

On 11th February 2009 a premature baby boy was found dumped at a garbage tip near Narellan in Sydney's west, the police have still not found the mother. As shocked as I was to learn of this is February, today I am lifted to know that the little angel they named ~Nicholas~ was laid to rest next to my little girl. We know our Sophie Bear will look after little Nicholas... she has plenty of toys and happy stories to share with her new friend.


God Bless you Nicholas, today Sophie's candle burns for you. May your new wings let you fly high with all our prescious angels.

http://www.smh.com.au/national/farewell-to-baby-nicholas-dumped-but-not-forgotten-20090430-ao56.html430-ao56.html

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Under The Tree - April

How long has it been since you lost your child/ren? Has your grief changed at all? Is your life becoming any easier or is it just harder as time passes?

It has been 4 1/2 hard months and there are beginning to be good days, but the bad days continue. Originally I never thought there would be days when I smiled at all but sometimes it creeps in. My grief changes daily and often hourly and it's never something I can predict.

Right now I am going through an angry period and I can't shake it. Why was my beautiful healthy baby girl taken from us? We were surrounded by medical experts and that still did not help. I question myself everyday about the whatif's. Why are there so many awful parents given helpless babied who don't deserve them. My anger is raw but I know that may change by tomorrow. Right now although I don't cry as much on the outside I feel completely broken.

How do you feel when you see pregnant women when you are out and about?

It is not easy at all. I get jealous and angry they they will have what I don't. I was once oblivious like them to the devastation that can happen. Locally where we live there are certain cultures who marry first cousins and that makes me angry. We know many people where cousins have had healthy babies and don't think about 'what could' happen genetically. They don't care they are playing with fire. I am really trying to not get uptight but it's difficult right now.

It's also been difficult dealing with all the women who were pregnant with me and how happy they all are to have their healthy babies. I am happy for them but there is a sadness very few know. I would never show them how I felt as it's not fair to them. It's not their fault they succeeded where we lost.

Whats your therapy in the aftermath of losing your child/ren? Do you go to counseling? Do you do artwork or some kind of exercise or do you simply just let yourself be? What helps you?

We did see a counsellor originally but I didn't click with her at all. We listened to the 'it's not your fault' and 'your dealing with this in a normal way' jargon, but it didn't sit right with me. I may go down that track again but with someone I am completely comfortable with.

I have spent a lot of time playing with Sophie's pictures and making them more beautiful with different effects. It gives me some peace by doing something for her as a mum should be able to do. I am currently creating a book of her life in pictures... but this last few weeks I find that too hard.

I also spend time with my animals who make me smile so much. They know when you are having a bad moment... they know more than we all realise. There is nothing like the unconditional live of a puppy!

Doing this blog has also been a big therapy for me. There are so many wonderful people out there, total strangers that understand and never judge. It helps in more ways than anyone could imagine.

Friday, April 24, 2009

My sanity in this hell

Meet our other children who bring us beautiful moments everyday. These girls love us when we think the world has forgotten us. When you don't having living children there is nothing like the unconditional love of a puppy!

Sammy J - 11 1/2 year old Black Lab


Sammy likes walks, loves water but especially loves to kill certain toys which are like mice. She ahs always been the smart on of the two and hates getting into trouble. Sammy survived 6 months of Chemo last year and has survived 15 months since diagnosis...she is amazing! Sammy met Sophie through mummy's tummy and would often be kicked when she cuddled mummy.




Her favourite place to sleep right now is under daddy's desk sleeping on is foot. She loves it when mummy and daddy sing to her but her legs are too old to dance these days... nothing stops the 'Happy ears' though!






Next we have Emma - 10 1/2 year old Golden Lab


Emma has an obsession with putting what is in her mouth in your left ear? Weird we know but she came from a breeder who did riding for deaf and blind children and we are sure this was her best form of communication with them. Emma loves walks, training new puppies on the etiquette of puppy play and just being beside mummy and daddy. She often tricks Sammy into moving so she can have she bed! Emma is also a mum. At 3 she had 8 black puppies! Her Grandpa has one of them 'Mitch'.



Emma also cannot stop smiling when mummy and daddy sing songs. One of her fourites is "Hey... hey Emma... oh ahhhh....I wanna know ohohoooo if you'll be my girl.. 5,6,7,8!




We also have Maxi - 7 year old fluff ball


He is a fluffy talkative tabby who loves to catch mice and bring them home for Sammy to eat...eewwwww. His favourite sleeping place is anything new in the house, a box, a shirt, a bag and outside on the spa or bbq! Max is comfortable in his skin, not much phases him... even the screaming 1 yr old nephew he sees each month! He loves the girls but he and Sammy are the best of friends.. he gets kisses every day from her! I am sure he thinks he's a dog though. He along with the girls have to be anywhere we are!



In this crazy world this is my favourite thing to do right now...




Dammit Doll!

I had to post this today. My mum and dad visited this week and had picked something up for me from a market. It's Dammit Doll!! We all need these some days a little more than others.

I have used it for some fun and it's still fine so far... imagine what damage you could do!

Thursday, April 23, 2009

My little butterfly

I finally got to deliver the pretty glass butterfly I bought weeks ago to Sophie's grave today. I got it a few weeks back and the day I got it one of the wings fell off. When I took it back for a replacement of course the shop had none left so I had to find them elsewhere. I wanted 3 now, one for Sophie, one for us to keep here and one for a new angel mum I have met. So I searched and asked for Sophie's help... and maybe she intervened but I got the 3 I wanted in the next place I went!

Here is where it was placed today. I hope you love it's pretty glistening wings in the afternoon sunlight sweetheart. Mummy and daddy love you so much!
We have a few things keeping her company now...