How time flies when you are buried in grief. I honestly cannot believe I am saying we lost Sophie 6 months ago. It feels like yesterday we were such happy and expectant parents who could not wait to meet their beautiful little girl. Our world was perfect.. nothing could stop us or so we thought.
There have been days, even hours when I never thought moving forward would never be at all possible. Getting out of bed was the hardest thing to do initially, basically because my body was in such shock from Sophie's delivery. Then as the psychical wound healed I needed to face the real world which I hated. I didn't want to leave the house and face HAPPY PEOPLE. I hated them because we were robbed of that. Deep down I still hate them...
This is an awful comparison but I felt like it was like when you buy a new car and you see yours everywhere. That was all I saw, the baby makers, they were everywhere and I was so jealous and sad. I could not understand why people like that got to go all the way and we were never given the chance. I would cry at the sight of a baby let alone a pregnant woman. Toys, clothes, movies, neighbours, hardware commercials with children's chairs.. everything was like a knife straight to my heart and it ached so badly for what we had lost.
As many of us say in our blogs this new reality basically sucks and yes it does. In fact sucks is a nice word for it. This new reality is harsh and misses something so precious, our daughter. No matter what happens she will not be a part of our future and that kills me. We will always love and remember her in any way we can, but she won't meet her brother or sister, if we are fortunate enough to ever have one of them.
Lately I have been looking at her pictures and am faced with the knowledge that she remains forever held in time. She will never grow up like all the babies and children around us. We will never see her goo and gar or say mummy and daddy. It's just completely shit! Why the hell did this happen to us? It's just not fucking fair!
I have been in Singapore for a few weeks visiting family and being away from DH is really getting hard. Today was awful... I just needed his hugs and to know that HE KNEW TOO. Tonight my brother and sister-in-law new what a hard day this was for me and we celebrated with some French Champagne. Celebrated because we are parents and deserve to celebrate and Sophie will always be our little girl.
God I miss Sophie so much. While I am going about life now and not locked away in my house I am still a mess inside. I might not cry as often but the pain is still very much present. I guess I have learnt how to live with it and fool the rest of society. I must be getting really good at it by now...