Friday, August 14, 2009

Time makes it all worse

It's eight months today since our world changed forever. I cannot believe that time has passed. Some days I feel like I am coping and others I fall into a complete mess.

For much of these months I was locked away at home. I was happy and content to fiddle around and not concern myself with life 'out there'. Even when I was psychically able to go out I wanted to stay home. There I could grieve for my little girl in peace. I could miss her, remember her, love her, talk to her and feel like she was near me anytime I wanted.

But life is so busy now. I gave up my corporate job of 10 years and and am now working with my husband. Adrian is amazing. He wanted me to be with him when I had good and bad days at work, so he could cuddle me...I thank him for that.

Working again has made me face fears, the pregnant customers, the newborn babies, the toddlers. But while I am facing it I still find it hard to look at them, I more look past them. It's too hard to see the glow they have, the glow I so long to feel again but know I never will.

I crave the sanctuary I built in memory of my beautiful Sophie Cleo. I miss having enough time to miss her. I feel so guilty about this right now and I am finding that I am forgetting a lot about having her. I want to remember how she felt inside me, how she made me feel so proud and complete. How do you etch this forever in your memory without losing things? I feel like all this makes me a bad mum.

So now that I am back in it I don't find the real world all that inviting to be honest. It disappoints me constantly. The bar is way higher now with life. I hate having no innocence, no hope and no glow. I wonder if I will ever get a spark back with life in general.

It's just so excruciatingly hard. We have now lost her for as long as we had her.

We miss you so much sweetheart. We wish with all our hearts we had you in our arms right now xoxo.

1 comment:

  1. You're in my thoughts, Kyles. To the person who said "time heals all wounds" - you were wrong.