Friday, May 15, 2009

5 months.. could it really be that long?

Stupidly I forgot about yesterday! It was 5 months since we lost Sophie. I am angry with myself for missing it but I know she understands. I have to believe that Sophie is not angry with us for trying to live normal lives.

Actually it was not that I forgot, in fact it was very much on my mind. The reason I forgot was I got mixed up with the dates in this constant foggy cloud I live in. I thought yesterday was the 13th and not the 14th and I only realised last night. I had dinner with a g/f who was lucky enough to have her son survive a very stressful delivery 3 weeks before us. He was caught for 3 hours in the birth canal before an emergency cesarean, it was touch and go. He's constantly having tests and appointments to check his progress. The one thing none of us can do without is oxygen.

I wish we had that choice. I wish we were able to take Soph to tests. At least we would be able to hold and hug her, laugh and cry with her in our arms. I wish she was waking me up at all hours for a feed or just because. There is so much I wish for that will never happen.

In any case I realised when we were leaving and I saw the date on the parking pass. 14.5.2009, exactly 5 months since our innocence was taken away, our happy world torn apart.

So where am I at this time? 5 months seems like an eternity without her. We are creating new dreams which I feel guilty about, but we continue to live each day at a time.

I am still very angry with what happened. I still question the Dr's and the process which was followed at the hospital. I still wonder why I was in hospital for 36 hours without anyone knowing how serious it was. I want to know why they didn't take her out!! And not just hear 'it was better to leave her in there as long as possible to develop'.. Leave her in there... SHE DIED.. how much worse can you GET!? That's complete bullshit! Babies can survive quite well from 30 weeks and she was 32. CRAP CRAP crap! She was in the 97th percentile.. not small... huge and able to be delivered and BREATH OXYGEN!

I am angry...

I don't cry as much anymore and it's not that I am not sad I have just learnt how to blank out the sadness when others are around. I put on this face and smile and no one knows the complete heartache I am actually feeling. I love you so much Sophie Bear. Daddy and I wanted you more than you will ever know and it was cruel and wrong that you died because PEOPLE DIDN'T LISTEN.

I wonder if I will ever get over the anger. Perhaps I will put it in that box with all the other sadness and I will live with it. It feels like we are doing wrong by Sophie to do so, but I know if we are to have any future in this crazy world that is exactly what we need to do.

So today I grieve again...openly and completely. I hate being here. I long to have her in my arms, to feel her warmth and hear her laugh. That is all I want.

Sophie I hope you can forgive mummy for sometimes holding in the pain. I never for a second stop thinking about you or loving you. Daddy and I love you with every breath we take and we hope that one day we will meet again and give you the hugs we so desperately wanted in this life.

4 comments:

  1. I know what you mean about people not listening, and them wanting to leave babies in longer, because it is better that way. I was five days overdue and in a world of pain, and utterly exhausted, and NO ONE LISTENED TO ME. And she died. I wonder how I will ever shake the anger, and I wonder how I will ever get through this again. The 14th was my due date, nine months ago. So I was also remembering yesterday. Remembering that was the day she should have come out of me. Alive and perfectly well.
    The should have beens can be so crippling.
    I wish your Sophie girl was in your arms.

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  2. Kyles I'm so sorry for you. My story is similar to Hope's mama except that I was so, so lucky in that he survived. I'm still angry about being nearly 2 weeks overdue and the fact he nearly died. So if I feel like that, I can only imagine how you feel. Your little girl has a perfect love for you and understands you in a way that no one else can. I'm thinking of you Kyles. Every day xxxx

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  3. Kyles - you will meet with Sophie again and you will hold her in your arms where she belongs.

    I am sorry about the anger. Sometimes I think it is easier to be angry than to carry around this overbearing burden of grief....

    Thinking of you and your sweet Angel Girl.

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  4. Hi Kylie,
    thanks for sharing your anger. It is frustrating that you were SO close and that your instincts to take her out were RIGHT and they didn't listen!! I'm SO sorry they didn't listen! It's SO horrible to feel completely helpless when your instincts were telling them and they simply didn't listen! What could you have done?? You did EVERYTHING you needed to do and they didn't!! Wow!! That's a lot to live with. I'm SO sorry. I feel your pain & I hear your anger and it's o.k. to be angry. Take the time that you need...don't bury the anger - that wouldn't make Sophie happy either. It's a lot of work this grief...it is worth it though. I so appreciate that you share your raw anger & other emotions...it really validates everything that I feel. I wish our stories were different and we were writing about the lives of our babies instead...I feel your empty arms...xx

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