Day 75 of the crash

Some hours of the day I feel like I am getting back to some kind of normality but it never lasts. I have not made it to a day full day yet without the clouds engulfing me at some stage. I am angry and so upset at WHY?!

Last night I was doing some embroidery for my God Daughter who I get to see next week and I got so upset. It's not that I don't want to see her I do, I miss not having her and her brothers around. I just wish with every breath that I was taking Sophie to see her. I SHOULD be taking Sophie to meet her lifelong friends. I wish the 3 kids would look over her with amazement and Abbey would finally have another girl to play with. I thought going to sleep would help my mood but it was still there when I woke up. Today is yet another crying day for the should have beens.

It is 75 days since our world came crashing down and it feels like forever. Life all around us is moving like it always has and I am beginning to become envious of it. I am envious of people in the street not hurting like me. These people laugh, they have children and are oblivious to how horrible life can be. I have noticed though people around us are beginning to not even ask how we are now. How easily they all move about with such unawareness. In their minds it was last year but it is only 75 DAYS!! Life is just so empty now.

Sometimes I wish I could go back to the naive happy person I once was. But then I realise I would never have known Sophie and that would be horrible cause she was amazing. She was so special to us and had such personality I can't imagine never knowing her. The months we spent knowing her was worth more than most things in this world. We travelled, we laughed, we sang, we danced and she loved it all... she showed us in so many ways.

A few busy weeks coming up to keep me occupied but it's almost like I don't want to face them. Everything I do now I do with the knowledge that I am creating memories without Sophie and that is excruciating and so unfair. We will have our first holiday without her, without her, without her... those words still don't seem real. The last time we were on a plane we laughed at how different it was going to be next time with her. I would not care if she screamed the whole way!

I miss you so much Sophie Bear.