Monday, February 16, 2009

PS: I love you

The first time I watched this movie was on a plane to NY and I absolutely loved it. It touched me in so many ways. I remember thinking this would be something I would do if I ever had to say goodbye to Adrian. Watching it this morning made me think a little differently. I almost died 2 months ago giving birth to my beautiful girl...I would never have had the chance to set up letters and loving moments to help Adrian move on.

So now I now sit here but I often wonder why. If I was facing the pearly gates on 14th December I would have told God to let Sophie go back to be with her daddy and to take me. A mother’s instinct? Every mum wants to keep their children safe. I would not have thought twice about that moment. But I never got the chance. I woke up into this nightmare I now call my life, but I still have my wonderful Adrian, my tower of strength and reason.

He has a very different view. Adrian almost lost me. In 2008 with all the medical advances he was almost a widow. He sat with his warm newborn baby girl and wondered if he would lose us both. How hard it must have been for him to not know what was happening? How cold would his world have been losing his daughter and the girl of his dreams all in one moment? I only went to sleep and woke up childless.

This is the reason we will be crying, talking and crying some more about the future. We want a family so very much and having Sophie only instilled that need more in both of us. The risk so we are told could be fatal to me and any future baby... 'could be'.. I want a definite YES or NO! Statics’ mean nothing.. we have kicked statics’ butts lately, I don't need anymore numbers.

Why is that though? Before I had a hole that didn't heal, now I have a few stitches and 2 scars which would surely be stronger than the hole which stretched and took Sophie. Surely monitoring the areas and testing while a baby grows would help predict any problems and we could deliver early. Sophie was 4 weeks bigger in size and health when she was born! We could have taken her early and she would be here right now. Right now nothing makes sense and I am angry at why this happened and saddened by the future.

I do know that I want to make Adrian a daddy which he so deserves and right now I want to ignore the risk and try again. I don't mean ignore but we would work with the Doctors and make this risk as low as possible. In my heart I want to do it now but I know it is going to take time to heal before we even consider this as an option. I also know that I am missing and grieving for my Sophie so much and maybe this makes me want it so much more. I also want to be here to be a mum, we both agree there is no point doing this journey if I am not in the equation. So we have another 15 months of whatifs and a million conversations before any decisions are made... complete torture!

Other options? Absolutely! Adoption in Australia, overseas adoption, surrogacy in Australia and overseas are all possible. Right now I remember the joy we both had watching Sophie grow, feeling her move, loving her completely and that is that is hard to compete with. It's whether we are willing to risk our lives that is the question.

1 comment:

  1. I just wanted you to know I am praying for you. You have so much to process and work through. The pictures of your little girl show just how beautiful she is. Much love to you xxxx