Yet another message from the universe! As I walked into my parents house yesterday I was faced with a big red toy with racing stipes. Ordinarily this would mean nothing, a child’s bike.. who really cares, red goes faster. This matched the coloured pram we had chosen for Sophie so to me it was another painful reminder. We chose the pram 'cause red went faster'...was our joke. Something so small made me lose it. No one else knew why... Adrian would have known had he been here.
Today I spent time playing with my 15 month old nephew who is growing up so fast. He's running around and talking to me in some gibberish language of course I should understand. He is so innocent and sweet and often just smiles flashing his new found teeth. Watching him is painful but he knows nothing of our pain. I didn't think I would be as affected by him as I was. How cruel that something so wonderful could be such a horrible reminder. When he smiled I wanted to know what Sophie's smile would be like at 15 months! Without even thinking everything I was doing today was wishing I could have this chance with Sophie. We would have just stared at her for days on end and when she was bigger played with her till she was too tired to play anymore. WHY DIDN'T WE GET A CHANCE?? I wonder if this will ever go away. Will we be forever comparing kids to our gorgeous baby? Will our lives never stop hurting?
So the red racing stripes brought me down and I cried in my mothers arms again. She doesn't know what to say to take away my pain. She doesn't need to say anything... she's my mum.