Limbo

I just have not felt like writing lately. Our lives have become so crazy and I keep wondering why we have this life and not the one where we would be watching Sophie grow and laugh and cry.

In the last month I have spent time with precious family and started working with my husband. I am not entirely sure I am ready to face the big world yet but I agreed to give it a try. A part of me felt like I owed him. He has been so wonderful, never questioning what I needed after the ordeal my body went through not to mention my head and heart. But as my mind and body recovered I felt like I could not sit around here and mope forever. So for him I started.

DH is lucky in a lot of life. Successful business, wonderful friends... he wins lots of stuff too. He enters competitions and ends up with fridges, tickets to things.. I wish he had to lotto numbers though.

This month was no exception. DH was also given the opportunity (he won another competition) to play AFL for a charity match 2 weeks ago in Melbourne with so many players he loved and had watched the careers of over the years. I was so proud watching him run around Ethiad Stadium like he was a professional footballer. All his friends are so jealous. He is No13 below.

I love seeing him smile.. he so deserves it

We will be travelling to Ireland in October where he will play with the International Rules Masters team. He's retired now but occasionally comes out to play.

He gets so much opportunity yet would have given it all away to be a dad here on earth.

Why were we chosen for this tragedy? We were so ready for Sophie. Life just does not make sense.

So where are we with babies? My uterus was at it's best with Sophie and she died. Now it is struggling and I feel it everyday. It's not even remotely what it was before the rupture and I am ever aware of it's presence which I know is not 'normal'.

We have visited a few specialists with divided opinions. One was positive, with rest and monitoring... it sounds so easy. Then next one was a slap back to reality. He lost a patient 7 years ago from a repeat rupture. What they all agreed on was 'it will rupture', it just depends on 'when' as to the success or tragedy.

This is the bit I am really struggling with. I want to be here to me a mum. I don't want to die right now.. I almost did last time. I don't want to leave Adrian alone to raise a child, or worse alone without a wife or child.

The more time goes on the more it is becoming clear that we should use another option to become parents. I know we will one day but the wait is just so hard.