Happy 2nd Birthday Hope!

I am imagining our two chasing bubbles around the garden today Sally.

Thinking of you today. xo

What constitutes a friend? I am running a poll...

In the world we live in today with email, blogs and Skype what is a friend? Years ago you had to know and see someone to consider them a friend because that was all we knew. But with technology how can you limit a friendship to psychical interaction. It is small mindedness at it's best.

I know people around the corner I have known for years less than I do some people I have met online...It opens up a world of possibility that generations ago never existed.. finding common interestes or understanding...that is friendship. It should never be about the lenght of time or the location.

Should relationships be discriminated against because much of it is online?

What do you think? Feel free to post this question as I would like as broard a view on this as possible. I will post in a few days as to why I ask this question...

PS - I even met Adrian online and 9 months later we were married. Thankyou RSVP :)

Statistics

After all that we went through we don't believe in statistics. I was 1:150,000 with my rupture... I had a 50:50 chance of survival... but I have since met a handful of other women in Sydney who experienced the same thing as me.

The statistic we keep hearing about babies in Australia is 6 a day don't survive. 6 a day... we are not a third world country.. we have the best of the best here so why is this happening? Why are babies still dying before they even get a chance.

6 a day...

In our great grandparents time it was a common occurrence for babies to be born sleeping or die in the first year of life.. but these days??

6 a day...

Adrian was listening to drive radio last week about home births and mothers rights. This topic gets me going especially the VBAC crazies out there (that's a story for another time). Callers including a few Dr's were talking about how rare it was for complications these days and how safe a home birth is. He felt compelled to tell our story and was given over 5 mins on air without interruption.

He talked of holding his warm limp daughter and being told his wife may not survive. (If was across the road from the hospital and not in it I would have died.) He also spoke of the 6 a day statistic and our OB's comment about it 'it is a statistic we don't want getting out there'. The announcer who almost lost a child 7 years before finished the call with 'well there is to say about that'.

6 a day...

I don't believe it is right that the Dr's want to hide it to 'protect women'. Of course I don't mean scare ever pregnant woman on the planet, but I would rather have known these were possibilites and not thought from week 12 it was all plain sailing. If I had known I would have asked more questions and yelled so I was listened to and Sophie would BE HERE WITH US... but we trusted and we lost, and Adrian was almost a Widow.

I just don't see the harm in talking about it, I want people to talk about it. I want families to have the knowledge to change that. Imagine if it was 2 a day and not 6!

We all talk about Breast Cancer openly but did you know 'statistically' each year almost the same number of Women lose the battle with Breast Cancer as babies are born sleeping.

I hope we can change that someday soon.

Where did my confidence go?

My life is about to change for the better and because of this change I need to think about what I am going to do with it.. at least until I get the opportunity (and crossing everything I have) to be a mum here on earth.

The biggest problem is since losing Sophie pretty much any passion I had for anything has vanished. Getting excited about the future is a dream I wake up from. I see glimpses of things I like or used to like but I am flat about almost everything.

The old me, the person my husband married was 'a glass half full' kinda girl, the life of the party. As an angel mum my glass has almost dried up! You see, my body let Sophie die. She fought and I failed that's it. No if's or but's and I have to deal with that forever.

These demons I face also mean I have zero confidence. Was it not enough to lose Sophie? The confidence in myself has been removed like my uterus should have been. In fact I feel like my uterus... it's there and functioning just but it can never again do what it was meant to do. I go through the motions but it's all a cover!

I miss the old me but I am not sure I will ever find her fully again. What I do know is that I am scared of the unknown... something I would have grabbed head on in the past.

Sometimes the news makes me angry

Today is one of those days...

http://news.ninemsn.com.au/world/1070778/mother-caught-breastfeeding-while-driving

Why does an idiot like her get a baby and I don't have Sophie. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Mothers day

Was harder this year than last.

We went to the movies in the morning, Adrian won some tickets to a premier screening of 'Letters to Juliete". After getting warm and fuzzies in the movie we walked out into what can only be described as 'Family Heaven' (but our hell). I don't think I have seen so many families and children of all ages in one place ever. Note to self.. NEVER go to FOX STUDIOS on MOTHERS DAY!

We really should have gotten out of the city like last year and not mixed with the crowds. It's days like that I can really see we are not anywhere near being 'ok'.

I miss you so much baby girl. I ache for you more than you could ever know but I am trying to get by.

Thank you for making me a proud mummy. xo

The highs and lows

I am feeling highly strung today. I had to deliver some documents to a client a few blocks away and I was keen for the walk so I was happy for the distraction. The sun was beautiful, even among the tall city buildings you could feel the warmth. I must say the weather at the moment in Sydney is just beautiful. So I was in a good mood, letting the sun touch my skin and enjoying the rays when it hit me. My mood went from enjoyment to complete anger. By the time I got back to the office I had passed what seemed to be a thousand pregnant women all basking in their own glory. I remember that glow, that excitement, that innocence and I can’t help but feel completely jealous of them all.

Why did we have to lose out on that? Why does my gorgeous hard working, intelligent, wonderful husband have to get teary at what he doesn’t have? Never again will we look at children or babies without thinking about Sophie and all that we missed out on. It just sucks beyond words.

I wonder if I will ever stop being angry. Right now and after 16 months without Sophie I am not convinced.

Life is testing

Today we found out that Adrian's bets friend has stage 4 Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma. The news is not good and you know how he found out... he bowled a ball on a cricket pitch 3 weeks ago and broke his hip! Healthy, happy father of a 2 year boy (a God son to Adrian) may not live to see his sons 3rd birthday.

I am not talking to the man above as it is but come on... what is it with nice people being hurt ALL THE TIME! I try so hard to be positive, to overcome all life throws at us but none of this makes sense. Babies don't make it.. nice people get sick. Lets not even get into the fact that there is so much low life scum out there who don't deserve any of what they get in life but seem to thrive.

What do we need to do to get some sort of harmony is this life?

Our 3rd Anniversary

I love my husband so much. The more time that goes on I realise just how special he is. In this world of lost babies there seems to be a lot of men who just shut down and refuse to acknowledge or talk about their baby. Adrian has never been like that. I can't imagine being in a relationship with a partner who never spoke of their child, never remembered what joy they brought and never grieved openly about their loss.

Adrian, my rock, has faced losing Sophie in a very similar way to me which is a blessing. We openly talk about her, smile and cry at all we had and lost. When asked about children he is happy to tell the world we have a beautiful girl.. but she's in heaven. So many husbands don’t do this and I have met many couples in lost baby land who are struggling because of this inability to acknowledge.

I am again grateful.

Today is our 3rd Wedding anniversary. We are stronger though all we have experienced and today I wish I could marry him all over again. He brings out the best in me and understands when I cannot get to my best. Not once have I regretted being by his side, not once has he given me any reason to not want to be there. He IS amazing.

I love you with all my heart honey. Thank you for 3 wonderful years. Thank you for being open and honest and for riding this wave with me.

Her Prints with me always

I spent a lot of time last year looking for something special to have done for Adrian and I with Sophie's prints in gold. There were losts of beautiful options around but I wanted something classic that I could wear eveyday. I finally found one from the UK that was right for me and she did a fantastic job Alexandra's Angel Gifts ! Adrian now wears cufflinks (he has a hand on one and a foot on the other and mine is shown below.

So pretty :)

2010, hormones and disasters...

If the Dr's had listened to my body in hospital we would have Sophie here and I would still have the use of my uterus. The cards we have been dealt are so not fair, but after a lot of research and soul searching we now know Surrogacy is the option for us and we are moving towards it.

A chance to have Sophie's sibling is exactly what we want. So we are now trying to get some eggs out of my ‘sleeping ovaries’. When we went to Ireland last year we travelled with drugs in an esky and started the process but after all the injections they just wouldn’t wake up. We got 5 follicles but they were too small and the cycle was cancelled. The cycle was what??

Devastation is the best way to describe that outcome. I was so unprepared that this would happen. NO NO NO.. this was meant to work the first time… no strings.. we were meant to get eggs and freeze them so we can implant next June and then have a baby 9 months later! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Evidently when you are on the pill for so long ovaries go to sleep. So this pill which has been saving my life (and not letting me fall pregnant) has also been halting our chances of getting good embies. What a catch 22! Why were we never told any of this?? Suffice to say now that I am on no contraception at all there is little action in our household. Thank goodness I have such a wonderful husband!

This month there were blood tests, the results of which I really don’t understand. I am now on some hard drug called DHEA for menopausal women to help them liven things up.(I call it the Popeye drug because it can make your voice deepen!) Not that I am menopausal.. those words are far from being used, they are just not used to people at IVF having been on contraceptives.Let's face it most women would have not touched them for years by the time they get there!

So at this point I am willing to try anything but all I want to know is I need to turn up the day of my next period for more drugs of a different kind and hopefully we will wake ‘em up! The rest is too complicated. We know we are fertile... we have proof of that… just give me the correct does of drugs and lets get these eggs happening.

Ohhh if it were that simple. The wait is painstaking...

A list of the all the things that they dont tell you about loss...

Just wanted to share something that was sent to me by a friend the other day and it rang true.

They don't tell you..

• That when you first lose your baby, there will be days where when you wake up in the morning, for a split second you forget that you have lost your baby, and then the blinding realistion hits and its like losing your baby all over again
  
• That most people in your life just don't and will never 'get it' but if you're really lucky, you'll find a great online forum to talk about things you'd never dare discuss with people in real life, and the women just 'get it'
  
• That your instincts are generally right and should be trusted
  
• That your world has changed forever and you are now part of a club you never wished to be a part of
  
• That until your EDD it'll feel like you're somewhat in limbo - you'll probably know how many weeks you were meant to be at any given stage
  
• That your EDD will either be a very sad day, or you'll feel numb - and that the lead up to the day will be worse than the actual day
  
• That even after your EDD you'll still be counting - "my baby would have been x weeks, months, years old now"
  
• That every anniversary of the loss and EDD you'll remember
  
• That every mothers day you'll feel like screaming from the rooftops "But I'm a mummy too!!!!!" and every birthday and Christmas you'll feel like someone is missing
  
• That all of a sudden there will be an abundance of pregnant women and babies everywhere you go
  
• That you'll be looking at the pregnant women and babies and think how you would've looked if you hadn't lost your baby, or how big your baby would be now or what they would've looked like
  
• That every time you hear about a friend or relative getting pregnant or having a baby, you'll feel a stabbing in your heart and its just so hard to fight the pangs of jealousy and emptiness that you are feeling because it just feels so unfair
  
• That you'll hear news stories about abused children or see them in your neighbourhood and it'll just rip your heart out and make you feel so ripped off that people like that are able to procreate and do that to their child when you would never have been like that to yours.
  
• That you'll feel so annoyed and frustrated (maybe even a little jealous) hearing women complain about their pregnancies, even if they're justified in complaining
  
• That you'll always wonder "why" and find ways to blame yourself. If you're really lucky you get an answer, but most sadly don't and somehow you just have to live with the why's but they never tell you how to live with that
  
• That suddenly a simple question such as "do you have kids?" can lead to all sorts of dilemmas and feelings
  
• That there are just not enough tears - that you can cry until you can't cry anymore and still feel so empty and sad because of your loss
  
• That there are just no words that adequately describe how you feel when you lose your baby/babies

RIP BJ Meredith

We had another big blow on NYD. We got news that my best friend’s husband had been bashed at Katherine in the Northern Territory and I got on the first plane to be by her side. (Amee flew to be with Adrian and I after we lost Sophie.. it's that kind of friendship).

I sat with her and her family and friends for 24 hours, hearing the Dr’s reports from 30% success to 1% survival, then the decision to turn the machine off.. It was so surreal. Brett’s injuries were far too severe; his brain had swelled so much his body had shut down and his brain filled with clots. Some thug hit his from behind at the only nightclub in town on NYD and he died. His 3 beautiful children Samuel 5, Jordy 3 and Abbey 2 will never remember their dad and how much he loved them. That thug has left my best friend as a single mum with 3 children, not something she ever signed up or ever imagined. I am so sad for her.. for her 3 beautiful kids who are our God Children.

The laws in Australia are wrong...yesterday they granted him bail…He wants to be near his wife and 3 kids (and one on the way) so they are moving them to Darwin from Adelaide to be near him! I can’t even imagine why someone who (it's going to court so we can't say he is guilty yet) 'allegedly' bashes people should be allowed to go back to his family when Brett cannot EVER SEE HIS KIDS AGAIN. It is just so sad...

So again life as we know it has been changed in an instant.

We didn't see him a lot since they moved to the NT 2 years ago but we got up there a few times. This was us on Grand Final Day October last year, the last time we saw Brett... we had such a lot of fun on a cruise and then watching the game at ANZ Stadium. Shame the Dragons didn't make it for you buddy!

The four of us on our Wedding Day 11 March 2007.

You always joked that you would die young... 39 is way too young.

Give our baby girl lots of cuddles Brett. We will miss you mate xo

Our little girl's First Birthday 14 Dec 2009

Life seem so busy lately, I just don’t seem to have the time or energy to write and I have noticed the difference in me. I am becoming more angry and upset because I am not getting things of my system. So I am going to try and rectify that by forcing myself to write again. I found it so healing in the beginning but then I fell into a hole where it all became too hard.

We celebrated Sophie’s 1st Birthday with colour and as much fun as we possibly could. Adrian and I had decided a while before that we would get away for her Birthday and do something special so I found a house on the lake up north and we stayed there for the weekend with all our tribe. I felt the need to have balloons so I got a helium pack with 100 coloured balloons for the trip. Before we went we took Sophie 10 helium balloons of all colours so everyone who went to see the babies that weekend could see it was her birthday! The puppies loved the place we found. They could look out over the water and watch all the boats go by, the jet skies and the ducks landing. It was so peaceful sitting there with them. They really bring me peace and have done since we lost Sophie.

The eve of her Birthday we lit candles, I cooked a cake, we opened some Moet and blew up enough balloons to fill the ceiling of our room. We slept covered with them above us.. symbols of the love that we have for our little girl and the celebration we should be having with her here on earth. When 1.59am struck we let some balloons go, one, two, three… ten and watched them fade into the moonlit night. It was so peaceful and we were so proud.

In the morning we found a dog friendly beach and filled the car with the rest of the balloons. Adrian, Sam, Emma, Bluey and Sophie Bear all found the perfect spot, wrote her name in the sand and sang her Happy Birthday while they all flew off into the morning sky. Such a bittersweet day, but if we were at all comfortable with her Birthday these special moments made it possible.
In the afternoon we visited Sophie again and took her her Birthday cake. Every little girl deserves a 1st birthday cake but I didn’t do a great job. (although nothing would have been perfect enough). In fact I really stuffed it up and almost threw it at a wall, before breathing and trying to fix the problem with chocolate.. doesn’t chocolate help so much :). We took a cup of tea, sat down and blew out the candles for her. She would have been such a big girl now. She would have been so beautiful with her dark curls and her crooked smile. I think I will always struggle with ‘what if’s’.. it’s the monster on my shoulder.

We love you so much baby girl.