A promise kept

After Sophie was born we got to spend as much time with her as we wanted. Of course it was not enough and I wish we had been able to keep her beside us the whole time. You just never know what is right or wrong and hindsight is a bastard with loss like this. We loved holding her, touching her beautiful face and giving her nosies. We were so in love with this gorgeous creation of ours.

One time in particular we had her in the middle of the both of us, we were talking to her and singing silly songs, just as we would have had she been ‘with us’. Adrian kissed her nose and said to her “I am going to make a difference Sophie Bear… I don’t know how or when yet but I will make a difference, I promise you”.

Adrian is a doer. There is never an excuse, he delivers. In all the time I have known him if he says he will do something he will. His mates have always said this about him and it’s a wonderful attribute. So Adrian is doing as he promised Sophie.

Meet Larry the Leprechaun!

The local paper the Parramatta Advertiser has done a great video for his fund raising efforts.
http://www.gofundraise.com.au/leprechaun

Larry is running the Sydney marathon for Bears of Hope who have supported us more than words could ever say in the last 7 months. They provided us with a bear we named Bluey in hospital who we have started a blog with Bluey’s Adventures. It’s been good for our healing to have Bluey and his adventures. Adrian (I mean Larry) has been doing some trial ½ marathon runs in the suit to see if it needed any modifications for the 42.5km run, but so far so good. Larry is aiming for $15,000 and to date has raised $10,332. I am so proud I could burst.

Here we are with Bluey after the race.

Sophie, Daddy is making a difference for other families in the future who lose a bubba. I know you are just as proud as mummy.

Limbo

I just have not felt like writing lately. Our lives have become so crazy and I keep wondering why we have this life and not the one where we would be watching Sophie grow and laugh and cry.

In the last month I have spent time with precious family and started working with my husband. I am not entirely sure I am ready to face the big world yet but I agreed to give it a try. A part of me felt like I owed him. He has been so wonderful, never questioning what I needed after the ordeal my body went through not to mention my head and heart. But as my mind and body recovered I felt like I could not sit around here and mope forever. So for him I started.

DH is lucky in a lot of life. Successful business, wonderful friends... he wins lots of stuff too. He enters competitions and ends up with fridges, tickets to things.. I wish he had to lotto numbers though.

This month was no exception. DH was also given the opportunity (he won another competition) to play AFL for a charity match 2 weeks ago in Melbourne with so many players he loved and had watched the careers of over the years. I was so proud watching him run around Ethiad Stadium like he was a professional footballer. All his friends are so jealous. He is No13 below.

I love seeing him smile.. he so deserves it

We will be travelling to Ireland in October where he will play with the International Rules Masters team. He's retired now but occasionally comes out to play.

He gets so much opportunity yet would have given it all away to be a dad here on earth.

Why were we chosen for this tragedy? We were so ready for Sophie. Life just does not make sense.

So where are we with babies? My uterus was at it's best with Sophie and she died. Now it is struggling and I feel it everyday. It's not even remotely what it was before the rupture and I am ever aware of it's presence which I know is not 'normal'.

We have visited a few specialists with divided opinions. One was positive, with rest and monitoring... it sounds so easy. Then next one was a slap back to reality. He lost a patient 7 years ago from a repeat rupture. What they all agreed on was 'it will rupture', it just depends on 'when' as to the success or tragedy.

This is the bit I am really struggling with. I want to be here to me a mum. I don't want to die right now.. I almost did last time. I don't want to leave Adrian alone to raise a child, or worse alone without a wife or child.

The more time goes on the more it is becoming clear that we should use another option to become parents. I know we will one day but the wait is just so hard.

6 months today

How time flies when you are buried in grief. I honestly cannot believe I am saying we lost Sophie 6 months ago. It feels like yesterday we were such happy and expectant parents who could not wait to meet their beautiful little girl. Our world was perfect.. nothing could stop us or so we thought.

There have been days, even hours when I never thought moving forward would never be at all possible. Getting out of bed was the hardest thing to do initially, basically because my body was in such shock from Sophie's delivery. Then as the psychical wound healed I needed to face the real world which I hated. I didn't want to leave the house and face HAPPY PEOPLE. I hated them because we were robbed of that. Deep down I still hate them...

This is an awful comparison but I felt like it was like when you buy a new car and you see yours everywhere. That was all I saw, the baby makers, they were everywhere and I was so jealous and sad. I could not understand why people like that got to go all the way and we were never given the chance. I would cry at the sight of a baby let alone a pregnant woman. Toys, clothes, movies, neighbours, hardware commercials with children's chairs.. everything was like a knife straight to my heart and it ached so badly for what we had lost.

As many of us say in our blogs this new reality basically sucks and yes it does. In fact sucks is a nice word for it. This new reality is harsh and misses something so precious, our daughter. No matter what happens she will not be a part of our future and that kills me. We will always love and remember her in any way we can, but she won't meet her brother or sister, if we are fortunate enough to ever have one of them.

Lately I have been looking at her pictures and am faced with the knowledge that she remains forever held in time. She will never grow up like all the babies and children around us. We will never see her goo and gar or say mummy and daddy. It's just completely shit! Why the hell did this happen to us? It's just not fucking fair!

I have been in Singapore for a few weeks visiting family and being away from DH is really getting hard. Today was awful... I just needed his hugs and to know that HE KNEW TOO. Tonight my brother and sister-in-law new what a hard day this was for me and we celebrated with some French Champagne. Celebrated because we are parents and deserve to celebrate and Sophie will always be our little girl.

God I miss Sophie so much. While I am going about life now and not locked away in my house I am still a mess inside. I might not cry as often but the pain is still very much present. I guess I have learnt how to live with it and fool the rest of society. I must be getting really good at it by now...

True Love

I love my Sophie Bear so much! I miss her so much it hurts so much more than I could ever put into words. I miss what we would have and SHOULD have had and sometimes it completely eats me up. I love you Sophie Cleo... you have touched our world like nothing we ever imagined and we love you with all our hearts. Sometimes it just hurts so much more.. guess that is now for me.

I am away on holidays at the moment and am missing my DH enormously. When we are apart it feels wrong. We have connected in ways we probably never would have through Sophie. Sometimes I am happy with the knowledge that our little girl has brought us to a place we may never have known, and other times I am grief stricken at why we had to find this side of us. He is amazing and I am eternally grateful for his love, compassion and comfort.

I have been visiting my best friend and my God Children again in the NT. Its lovely to be with them, I am part of the family, but a part of me never loses sight of the loss and the pain I constantly feel. It's just so hard to know that you will never see the smiles or hear the giggles of your beautiful child. It SUCKS completely and I wonder if I will ever truly be happy and content again. Amazing how your life can change forever in an instant and amazing how the world around you will never know what's really going on inside.

On this trip I am really trying to take in the beauty of the world as hard as it is.
Today we went to Edith Falls. It is a beautiful haven, everywhere you look is breathtaking, waterholes and waterfalls. We swam and laughed and took in the landscape (and hoped there were no crocs around!). Amazes me that in a few weeks I will be back in Sydney and wearing a scarf and coat out and complaining about the cold. Here it is still and the nights are warm. The only time you feel the cool is right before dawn which is a gorgeous time. Amee and I went for a bike ride this morning around Katherine and it was lovely as the sun popped it's head up.
Here we are swimming and exhausted...No Crocs...HOPE NOT!?Off to Singapore tomorrow to see my Brother, SIL and 16 month old Nephew Oliver. Will try to make the most of the time there and enjoy their hospitality, even if it is without my beautiful DH who is my rock. Sophie and I love you so much Daddy! We wish you were here!!!