City to Surf

Last weekend Adrian and I went in the City to Surf with a couple of other girls we have met through Bears of Hope. This race is a 14km run/walk in Sydney from the city to the beach. Adrian ran in the Leprechaun suit as usual but both of us ran (ok I walked!!) for Sophie with this on the back of our shirts... I hope many of the 75,000 people who were in the run saw how proudly we wore her name and prints. Here are Adrian and I with Toni and Kylie. Toni was running for her 7 Angels and Kylie was running for her 2 boys Jesse and Jamie.

Adrian has raised over $13k so far in his training run for the Marathon which is only 4 weeks away now.. I think he will hit $20k! Go LARRY!!

Here we are after the race with Bluey our 'Bear of Hope' and our medals.

Sophie and I are so proud of you Daddy! :)

Time makes it all worse

It's eight months today since our world changed forever. I cannot believe that time has passed. Some days I feel like I am coping and others I fall into a complete mess.

For much of these months I was locked away at home. I was happy and content to fiddle around and not concern myself with life 'out there'. Even when I was psychically able to go out I wanted to stay home. There I could grieve for my little girl in peace. I could miss her, remember her, love her, talk to her and feel like she was near me anytime I wanted.

But life is so busy now. I gave up my corporate job of 10 years and and am now working with my husband. Adrian is amazing. He wanted me to be with him when I had good and bad days at work, so he could cuddle me...I thank him for that.

Working again has made me face fears, the pregnant customers, the newborn babies, the toddlers. But while I am facing it I still find it hard to look at them, I more look past them. It's too hard to see the glow they have, the glow I so long to feel again but know I never will.

I crave the sanctuary I built in memory of my beautiful Sophie Cleo. I miss having enough time to miss her. I feel so guilty about this right now and I am finding that I am forgetting a lot about having her. I want to remember how she felt inside me, how she made me feel so proud and complete. How do you etch this forever in your memory without losing things? I feel like all this makes me a bad mum.

So now that I am back in it I don't find the real world all that inviting to be honest. It disappoints me constantly. The bar is way higher now with life. I hate having no innocence, no hope and no glow. I wonder if I will ever get a spark back with life in general.

It's just so excruciatingly hard. We have now lost her for as long as we had her.

We miss you so much sweetheart. We wish with all our hearts we had you in our arms right now xoxo.

A promise kept

After Sophie was born we got to spend as much time with her as we wanted. Of course it was not enough and I wish we had been able to keep her beside us the whole time. You just never know what is right or wrong and hindsight is a bastard with loss like this. We loved holding her, touching her beautiful face and giving her nosies. We were so in love with this gorgeous creation of ours.

One time in particular we had her in the middle of the both of us, we were talking to her and singing silly songs, just as we would have had she been ‘with us’. Adrian kissed her nose and said to her “I am going to make a difference Sophie Bear… I don’t know how or when yet but I will make a difference, I promise you”.

Adrian is a doer. There is never an excuse, he delivers. In all the time I have known him if he says he will do something he will. His mates have always said this about him and it’s a wonderful attribute. So Adrian is doing as he promised Sophie.

Meet Larry the Leprechaun!

The local paper the Parramatta Advertiser has done a great video for his fund raising efforts.
http://www.gofundraise.com.au/leprechaun

Larry is running the Sydney marathon for Bears of Hope who have supported us more than words could ever say in the last 7 months. They provided us with a bear we named Bluey in hospital who we have started a blog with Bluey’s Adventures. It’s been good for our healing to have Bluey and his adventures. Adrian (I mean Larry) has been doing some trial ½ marathon runs in the suit to see if it needed any modifications for the 42.5km run, but so far so good. Larry is aiming for $15,000 and to date has raised $10,332. I am so proud I could burst.

Here we are with Bluey after the race.

Sophie, Daddy is making a difference for other families in the future who lose a bubba. I know you are just as proud as mummy.

Limbo

I just have not felt like writing lately. Our lives have become so crazy and I keep wondering why we have this life and not the one where we would be watching Sophie grow and laugh and cry.

In the last month I have spent time with precious family and started working with my husband. I am not entirely sure I am ready to face the big world yet but I agreed to give it a try. A part of me felt like I owed him. He has been so wonderful, never questioning what I needed after the ordeal my body went through not to mention my head and heart. But as my mind and body recovered I felt like I could not sit around here and mope forever. So for him I started.

DH is lucky in a lot of life. Successful business, wonderful friends... he wins lots of stuff too. He enters competitions and ends up with fridges, tickets to things.. I wish he had to lotto numbers though.

This month was no exception. DH was also given the opportunity (he won another competition) to play AFL for a charity match 2 weeks ago in Melbourne with so many players he loved and had watched the careers of over the years. I was so proud watching him run around Ethiad Stadium like he was a professional footballer. All his friends are so jealous. He is No13 below.

I love seeing him smile.. he so deserves it

We will be travelling to Ireland in October where he will play with the International Rules Masters team. He's retired now but occasionally comes out to play.

He gets so much opportunity yet would have given it all away to be a dad here on earth.

Why were we chosen for this tragedy? We were so ready for Sophie. Life just does not make sense.

So where are we with babies? My uterus was at it's best with Sophie and she died. Now it is struggling and I feel it everyday. It's not even remotely what it was before the rupture and I am ever aware of it's presence which I know is not 'normal'.

We have visited a few specialists with divided opinions. One was positive, with rest and monitoring... it sounds so easy. Then next one was a slap back to reality. He lost a patient 7 years ago from a repeat rupture. What they all agreed on was 'it will rupture', it just depends on 'when' as to the success or tragedy.

This is the bit I am really struggling with. I want to be here to me a mum. I don't want to die right now.. I almost did last time. I don't want to leave Adrian alone to raise a child, or worse alone without a wife or child.

The more time goes on the more it is becoming clear that we should use another option to become parents. I know we will one day but the wait is just so hard.