Does changing your hair colour work?

The jury is still out with this one.

I've had light hair almost my whole life and recently I've been pondering as to whether I would change my hair from blonde to dark. When I did it last time (and only time) it symbolised a new start, a fresh me. So after many years of meeting bad men I vowed to change my life for the better, resigned myself to singledom and went dark. I liked being dark. I freaked out when I looked in the mirror but I liked being dark. It gave me a new sense of freedom like all the bad history dissolved with the dye.

When I met DH I was dark. He didn't know the blonde. My hair brought with it a real man.. and the dark locks captured him. Amazing how much a bottle can change things. We married and over time I added foils, before I knew it the dark had gone and the blonde was back again. Life was happy and full of promise for the future. It felt good to be blonde again.

The blonde was not making me happy so today I jumped in the deep end again. My subconscious hopes this is the start of some good things to come. I know that is crazy.. it's a hair colour but it's symbolism has worked for me in the past and lets face it I am willing to try anything to get out of this hell I call life.

I am dark. I wished it cured everything but it didn't. I look in the mirror and don't have the wow factor I once did. I have nothing. I am flat, I am sad and I am still an angel mum. What an idiot to think anything would change. Right now the dark now reminds me of what I lost rather than the future but I am hoping that will change... the bottle WILL work again.

I long for the day when I get excited about something but I know I would be happily blonde forever if I could have Sophie Cleo back...

5 months.. could it really be that long?

Stupidly I forgot about yesterday! It was 5 months since we lost Sophie. I am angry with myself for missing it but I know she understands. I have to believe that Sophie is not angry with us for trying to live normal lives.

Actually it was not that I forgot, in fact it was very much on my mind. The reason I forgot was I got mixed up with the dates in this constant foggy cloud I live in. I thought yesterday was the 13th and not the 14th and I only realised last night. I had dinner with a g/f who was lucky enough to have her son survive a very stressful delivery 3 weeks before us. He was caught for 3 hours in the birth canal before an emergency cesarean, it was touch and go. He's constantly having tests and appointments to check his progress. The one thing none of us can do without is oxygen.

I wish we had that choice. I wish we were able to take Soph to tests. At least we would be able to hold and hug her, laugh and cry with her in our arms. I wish she was waking me up at all hours for a feed or just because. There is so much I wish for that will never happen.

In any case I realised when we were leaving and I saw the date on the parking pass. 14.5.2009, exactly 5 months since our innocence was taken away, our happy world torn apart.

So where am I at this time? 5 months seems like an eternity without her. We are creating new dreams which I feel guilty about, but we continue to live each day at a time.

I am still very angry with what happened. I still question the Dr's and the process which was followed at the hospital. I still wonder why I was in hospital for 36 hours without anyone knowing how serious it was. I want to know why they didn't take her out!! And not just hear 'it was better to leave her in there as long as possible to develop'.. Leave her in there... SHE DIED.. how much worse can you GET!? That's complete bullshit! Babies can survive quite well from 30 weeks and she was 32. CRAP CRAP crap! She was in the 97th percentile.. not small... huge and able to be delivered and BREATH OXYGEN!

I am angry...

I don't cry as much anymore and it's not that I am not sad I have just learnt how to blank out the sadness when others are around. I put on this face and smile and no one knows the complete heartache I am actually feeling. I love you so much Sophie Bear. Daddy and I wanted you more than you will ever know and it was cruel and wrong that you died because PEOPLE DIDN'T LISTEN.

I wonder if I will ever get over the anger. Perhaps I will put it in that box with all the other sadness and I will live with it. It feels like we are doing wrong by Sophie to do so, but I know if we are to have any future in this crazy world that is exactly what we need to do.

So today I grieve again...openly and completely. I hate being here. I long to have her in my arms, to feel her warmth and hear her laugh. That is all I want.

Sophie I hope you can forgive mummy for sometimes holding in the pain. I never for a second stop thinking about you or loving you. Daddy and I love you with every breath we take and we hope that one day we will meet again and give you the hugs we so desperately wanted in this life.

Our weekend away

We really need to move by the water somewhere...

It has such a calming effect no matter what is happening in the world. Words don't seem needed when you are staring at such a spectacular view. It has a way of helping to heal even the saddest of hearts.

It was the perfect place to count down the hours until Mothers Day. We paddled with the puppies and enjoyed their excitement. We stared at the view and watched as the boats float on the glassy water. We had a visit each day from a pelican who seemed more interested in the dogs then the people. It was relaxing, it was warming, it was just what we needed.
Mothers Day came and went, there were a few tears but Adrian made sure there were endless cuddles... He made a fruit platter for us for breakfast and later we took our parents out for lunch. It was nice, but we had huge clouds over us...our first MD without our Sophie Bear. Things should have been so different. We should have been there with her showing her the water, letting her feet touch the edge, watching the sunset in all it's beauty and hearing her shriek with delight as the puppies played. It's just not fair at all!

It is so painful being a mum but knowing you cannot share it with anyone on this earth.

My fav photos from our time away, Sammy J and I. These are special to me because we both almost died in the last year but we are both still here enjoying the view.

Did I also mention how much I adore my DH!

The dreaded mothers day

This Sunday is Mothers Day in Australia. I have mixed emotions about it all. With all the publicity at the moment just getting the grocery's is tearful, let alone the TV commercials. I am a mum but instead of looking after my baby she looks after me.

We usually do the "Mothers Day Classic" for Breast Cancer as Adrian's mother has now been 8 years free of it. It's part of a big day of celebration for them, the walk followed by a lavish lunch somewhere swish.

But this year we cannot be around so many people who have loved and lost. I struggled last year with all the photos of loved ones and names of those lost...it's just too painful when you are dealing with your own grief.

So for something completely different we have decided to take our mums and my dad away for the weekend to a Lake up north. Hired a cute little cottage on the water where the dogs can swim to their hearts content and we can eat too much food and drink some bubbles as the sun goes down. Below is a pic of the view from the house... this is something I imagine we will be doing a lot of.

Happy Mothers Day to all us mums!

I hope a star shines down on you all.